Ghosts
by minorshan
Summary: Shepard is dealing with life after her "death", what that means between her and Kaidan, while finding salvation for herself, and maybe their relationship, through the most unlikely of sources. The love of a Drell Assassin.
1. The Die is Cast

_For the record, this is a female Shepard, Paragon, Vanguard - Colonist, Sole Survivor history. Spoilers for ME2 will be the basis for this story, all the way through, so beware if you haven't finished the game yet! R&R if there's something from the game and the relationship between relevant characters you'd like to be explored as I add new chapters. If it's a request/suggestion I can use I'll work it in!_

**Ghosts - "The Die is Cast"**

He watched as Kara Shepard slammed a fist onto the manual override to seal the escape pod doors. His duty, his promise that their relationship would never get in the way of a mission and her orders, when on duty, were the only thing that made him finally relent and climb into that pod. But he couldn't help but feel that he was abandoning her. He told himself that she was Shepard. She'd survived more than anyone he knew. She would find her way out of this.

He'd seen the footage from the cameras mounted to the escape pods, of the Commander, his Shepard, writhing desperately as she floated in space. But deep in his gut it didn't seem real. Inevitably, unbidden, the last moments he'd seen her eyes through the visor of her helmet came to him when he closed his own. As time marched on, slowly they changed from the commanding gaze compelling him to get in the pod - transformed into a haunting plea to not let her go. To save her. He'd awakened in a cold sweat many a night to those green eyes.

* * *

She watched as Kaiden Alenko turned on his heel and stormed off. Watched, because that was all she could do. For the first time in her life, Kara Shepard, the great communicator, was at a loss for words. Words flowed like wine when arguing for a greater cause, but when it came to fighting for herself, she suddenly found her mind a blank. Because her muse had fled behind a stack of crates toward an unknown destination.

* * *

Back on the Normandy, Shepard slumped into the chair at her desk, and ran a hand through her sweat-dampened red hair as her eyes met with the image of Kaiden's sitting beside her console. Somehow they no longer looked back at her with love she had seen in them just that very morning, instead they seemed to look past her, no longer seeming to know her at all. Like the real Kaiden's had on Horizon just an hour before. She sighed, turning the picture on it's face as she felt the the hurt and anger that welled from within threaten to overwhelm her. She closed her eyes as a single tear rolled down her hot cheek, leaving a cold wet trail in it's wake.

* * *

**Next chapter: **Letters are written and decisions are made.


	2. Talking At Each Other

**Chapter 2 - "Talking At Each Other"

* * *

**

"Commander, you have a new message."

"Thank you, Kelly," answered Shepard as she brought up her message inbox. As soon as she read the subject header, Kara knew who had sent her the message. "I'll be in my quarters," she told her assistant and turned for the elevator.

When she sat at the terminal in the captain's quarters, she brought up her unread messages, her finger hovering over the button to open the message. She pushed down the flutter of hope rising in her chest, letting the dread dominate, as she has always preferred to expect the worst. You were never disappointed if you never had expectations to be crushed. Finally, she let her finger drop and the message appeared on her screen.

_**"I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on." **_

'Two years for you, maybe,' she thought, as an unbidden moment of bitterness bubbled to the surface, which almost instantly turned onto herself. 'Why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I just tell him? It wasn't my fault I wasn't conscious - hell, alive - for the past 2 years. That Anderson wouldn't even tell me where you were... how to contact you.'

_**"If you're still the woman I remember..."**_

_'That's the crux of it, isn't it?_' Her scars may have healed, but that was the problem, she wasn't really the same. Even the hard-won scar that once cut a swath through her left eyebrow since Akuze had disappeared. _'Why didn't I just send a letter to his account as soon as I got the Normandy back?'_ A tiny flutter of panic sparked as her mind came up blank. What was Kaiden's address? Why didn't she know that? For a moment she wondered if he was right to doubt her, if she was who she thought she was, as she grasped for that information, only be extinguished as she realized she had never known his mailing address. She had never had a need to, as the entirety of their relationship had taken place aboard the Normandy. She released the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding as the answer surfaced.

For the few weeks since she had been 'awakened' those momentary flashes of self-doubt had plagued her whenever she felt her mind take an extra moment to find an answer. She wasn't sure if she was really having troubled retrieving information, or if it had always been like this and she was simply hyper-sensitive to it because Miranda's pop quizzes had sewn a seed of doubt in her mind.

_**"When things have settled down a little...maybe...I don't know. Just take care...Kaidan." **_

Her eyes drifted to the picture frame, still lying face down, after she finished the letter and felt a small lump well up in her throat. _'He doesn't even know. How could he?'_ She was on a suicide mission. Not that she wasn't going to do her damnedest to stay alive, to keep her crew alive. But there were no guarantees in her business. He would understand, wouldn't he?

Kara sighed as she hit 'reply' watched the cursor blink, awaiting her input. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. Finally she pushed her simmering anxiety down, letting out whatever may come.

"_Kaiden,_

_I'm not sure what to say. I'm not even sure you wanted a response to your letter. In any case, please hear me out. Please know that I didn't know how to contact you. I didn't know you were on Horizon. Anderson can verify that he was no help to me at all. I didn't want to just appear like that. Being thrust together like that wasn't fair to either of us. But since when is the universe fair? I also shouldn't have let you just walk away like that on Horizon. But then, it wasn't really fair of you to storm off without letting me explain, either... it's not like there is a manual to dealing with this kind of thing, is there? All I can say is that I hope you realize that it's just as difficult for me right now as I'm sure it has been for you these past two years._

_I'm still trying to get my mind around that. Two years. It doesn't seem real. But then I see the people I once knew changed overnight to me, and I know its real. The Galactic News echoes down the halls of every city I visit and I hear announcements of memorials to myself. Hell, did you know that there's a VI program out there with my face on? Anyway... I'm sorry. I'm avoiding what I know I need to tell you. I owe you more than you could possibly know. It hurts to say this, and I pray you understand what I have to do. But I feel like a ghost, haunting the world that has moved on without me._

_I didn't want to die. And I didn't choose to be brought back. Certainly, I never chose __**who**__ brought me back. But none of that changes where I now find myself. I've gotten a second chance to finish what I started. Even if it were possible to hide from the Reapers... it wouldn't be right to take the selfish, easy choice, and run away. _

_The mission I'm on... I can't tell you much. Only that I'm the only one who can lead it. That isn't arrogance, just an admittance of what's happened to me, and what's ahead of me. I won't lie. It's most likely a suicide mission. I've gotten a second chance, and I don't mean to waste it dealing with Council or Alliance politics. I will use it to do my best to keep my crew alive, even at the cost of myself. _

_It's because of this, that I can't contact you again. Not until this is mission is over. If I don't make it back...well, nothing will have really changed for you. Not really. I died by the hand of the Collectors the first time, and if I don't make it back, I'll simply have died by the same hand a second time. Hopefully taking them down in the process. But if I don't make it back...."_

Her fingers paused. The cursor blinked at her, as if goading her into finishing the thought. _'C'mon, you've faced down thousands of enemies, you can say this. Have to say this. For him, if nothing else. So he can move on if the worst happens.'_ She inhaled, her fingers trembling slightly, and resumed typing.

"_...if I don't make it back, I'm just grateful that I was given the chance to say goodbye. I don't know where __**we'll**__ be... or even if there will __**be**__ a 'we' anymore. I want you to live. Please don't wait for me. You've already lost two years of your life to that. I can't take any more away from you. I can feel my time, my life, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand. The harder I try to hold onto my old life, the more it slips away. Seeing you... your reaction... finally made me realize I could not hold on to the past. I will be spending whatever time I have left before the mission living as best as I can, but I'm not ready to build a new one yet. I have to live in the now, because I may not have a tomorrow. Please, for the love, the memory, of what we had, do the same. How does that old saying go? If you that which you love is truly yours, set it free. If it doesn't return, it was never truly yours... if it does.... Oh, you know. _

_I __**am**__ still the woman you knew. And if you really knew that woman, you'd know that she would have to do this. I don't know what will happen, or how long it will take. But I promise you, when.... if.... if I survive this, when I can reclaim my own life, I will contact you. Please don't wait, though. Instead, I hope you can see our meeting as an opportunity. Don't blame yourself for what happened to me. Just know that I care for you, and don't want to waste any more time waiting for a ghost. Goodbye, Kaiden Alenko. _

_- Kara"_

She punched the 'send' button before she could think better of it and stared blankly at the empty screen as the letter shot into the ether of space out of her control. Shepard ran a hand down her face, surprised by the wetness she found there.

"Approaching Illium, Commander," Joker's voice crackled over the her intercom.

"Be right there," responded Shepard, finding her voice cracking. She cleared her throat before continuing. "Let Garrus and Miranda know I need them ready in ten."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

Kara Shepard rose, made her way to her bathroom sink, and splashed her face with cold water, doing her best to push thoughts of her past to the back of her mind before donning her armor. She was living for today now, preparing for one particular tomorrow, and not a day past that.

* * *

**Next time:** Shepard finds that living for the present means letting and unlikely companion in to a place she thought had room for no one else.


	3. Flux

**Chapter 3: Flux**

Kara Shepard sighed as the doors to Liara's office slid shut behind her. It was times like this that she felt like Alice through the looking glass. She knew, intellectually, that 2 years had passed, but it only really struck home when confronted with the friends that, to her senses, she'd seen only weeks or months ago. First Garrus, then Kaiden, now Liara, all changed... and not in a good way. Life had been as unjust to them all as it had been to her. Only they'd been awake to be changed by it. Tali, at least, had grown into a leader in her own right. Shepard had to admit, if she was being fully honest with herself, that she too was being changed by the world around her. She could only hope it was for the better and that she wasn't being dragged into the darkness that surrounded her. Really, Joker seemed to be the only one who remained unchanged from the person she's known back on the old Normandy. This was most likely because he'd developed a sarcastic coping mechanism long before his time under her command... but nevertheless, it was a great comfort to have that one unchanged rock she could count on.

Shepard hoped Liara could find whatever it was she was looking for and didn't fall into the shadowy world she was currently flirting with. But Kara had done what she could – offer a word of advice, and a kind ear – and hope that her old asari friend found her way back out of the briar patch.

* * *

She'd known he had to be near, watching, and Shepard had bided her time, verbally sparring with the asari Nassana until he made his move. The assassin's dossier had described his style as much. He was hands on with his targets, not one to snipe from a distance, out of harm's way. What it hadn't captured was the brutal grace with which he struck.

The drell materialized from the shadows behind Nassana's henchmen and dispatched them all in a seemingly fluid motion, as if he was the star player in a gruesome, finely choreographed dance, ending as he dipped his target in an almost romantic finale. His body seemed to move independently of thought, acting only through pure instinct, with no sign of the reflective thought she normally saw from a soldier. It put Shepard in the mind of old nature vids she used to watch as a child, where the predator's instincts drive, giving no thought to the suffering of it's prey. That is, until that final dip as he laid his prey across her console, as gently as one would lay their child down for a nap. In that instant the inky black eyes of the drell changed and humanity, for lack of a better word, flooded back to his visage. And he began to pray.

This was not what Shepard had expected and she found herself fascinated by the assassin. In the space of a few moments he had gone from a killing machine to a holy man. Such was the ineffable energy he exuded that for a moment she found herself strangely loathe to interrupt his invocation.

"That was quite the entrance." Jacob, apparently, was suffering no such feeling.

Shepard took a couple steps forward. Fighting monk or not, she'd risked her neck and the necks of her squad to talk to this man, who obviously knew where they were the whole time and she was ready to get the hell out of there. "We came a long way to talk to you."

"One moment. Prayer for the wicked must not be forsaken," he answered without raising his head.

"Do you really think she deserves it?" she answered. Even after all she'd been through, Shepard had never been the vengeful type, but that didn't mean she felt the need to go out of her way to doll out courtesy to those who gave none.

"Not for her. For me," he replied, meeting her gaze. She raised an eyebrow, betraying her surprise. "The measure of an individual can be difficult to discern by actions alone. Take you for instance... all this destruction, chaos..." His tone held no air of judgment, merely that of relating facts.

She blinked once, considering his words. Not many people had left so much carnage in their path as she had. Some members of her misfit crew had come close, but they, just like Shepard herself, had no choice in the events of their life that had made that destruction necessary. He had a point. Not that she was about to tell him as such before she knew he was on board.

"I was curious to see how far you'd go to find me. Well... here I am."

She regarded the drell as she considered how to handle him. Calm. Non-confrontational. But obviously cautious. Not that she could blame him. "I do want to talk to you. But how did you know I was here?"

She watched him as he explained. He carried himself like a professor, holding his hands behind his back, an air if confident indifference to the deadliness of the people that stood before him, which somehow managed to not cross into an air of arrogance. Only the way he glided across the floor like a ghost betrayed his true deadliness.

"Lets cut to the chase. I need you for a mission."

"Indeed?" he answered and Shepard could tell she had his attention.

"You familiar with the Collectors?"

He stepped past her, turning his eyes to the sunrise peeking over Illium's skyline. "By reputation."

Kara folded her arms across her chest, unconsciously falling into what Joker had once called her 'Commander' pose. "They're abducting human colonies. Freedom's Prospect was their handiwork."

"I see."

"We're going after them."

Thane spun his head back quickly, finally betraying something other than measured calm. "attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so."

Shepard gave him a curt nod. "They say its a suicide mission. I intend to prove them wrong." She meant it, of course, but that didn't stop the old saying about 'the best laid intentions' from bubbling to the surface of her thoughts on occasion.

He turned back to the window and Shepard followed his gaze through the glass. "A suicide mission," he began, seeming to consider something. "Yes. A suicide mission will do nicely."

He paused before uttering the last words Kara Shepard would have expected from a man who she'd just witnessed dispatch elite mercenaries like so many blades of grass.

"I'm dying."

* * *

**Note: **_I promise the good stuff will be coming in the next chapter. I plan on mostly showing the moments between scenes seen in the game, but I felt like this transition was necessary to establishing the direction Shepard and Thane's relationship will take. _

**Next time: **Thane and Shepard discover kindred spirits in each other as they both struggle to come to terms with where their lives have led them.


	4. The Witching Hour

**Note:**_ I will admit that on my first play through I only got my Shepard with Thane because he'll probably be dead by the next game. :D But one thing that bugged me was how suddenly the romance with Thane got serious, without any real character development. This fic is mainly about filling in those gaps, in addition to imagining the implications of getting with Thane will have after he'd gone and Kaiden is back. Hope you enjoy!_

**Chapter 4: ****The Witching Hour**

The Commander crouched behind a large shipping crate and held up the fist of her free hand, signaling 'halt'. The corridor was silent but for the faint sound of congested shallow breaths. Thane.

The vigor Shepard had witnessed in the drell on their first meeting had turned out to be misleading. That isn't to say that he wasn't in fighting condition – he was certainly in better condition than even the average Alliance recruit. But in her squad he was always the first to get winded, even before the aging Mordin, and that was when the reality of his illness truly struck home.

She stole a quick glance back at Thane, hoping he wouldn't notice. The breathing stopped before her eyes had even come to rest on his form. She grimaced internally. By now, she knew that showing vulnerability was the ultimate humiliation for him, and she regretted having inadvertently imposed that on him. Kara continued the movement, hopefully covering her indiscretion, and turned to face Jack and Thane. "All clear."

Jack lowered her right hand as the bluish glow flickered out of existence and leaned an against the steel wall next to her. "No shit, Sherlock." Shepard rolled her eyes as she popped a new cartridge into her gun. "Now what?"

"Now," answered Shepard, "I hack that comm station and find out just what data those mechs were programmed to protect."

* * *

_"Night waned upon this talk, and even the witching hour had gone by before we retired to rest."_(Mary Shelley, 'Frankenstein')

Kara ran a hand through her freshly washed hair as she waited for the coffee dispenser to fill her mug with a hearty decaf blend. They were still docked at the Citadel following Thane's reunion with his son, and Shepard had decided to give the crew a days shore leave before they set off to retrieve the Reaper IFF. Because of this, the ship was mostly empty at the moment, the few crew members left on board were probably asleep, given the hour. But not her. A hot shower had failed to relax her, so now she found herself alone in the mess hall, seeking solace in a cup. She sighed as she lowered herself into a chair at the nearest table.

Depending on the moment, she couldn't decide if things were taking too long or going by way too fast. She wasn't ready to possibly throw her life away – again – when it finally seemed like she was getting it back. But she knew that every moment she dallied the Collectors were getting stronger, or another colony could go missing. '_It isn't fair,' _she thought to herself, hating that she felt like a petulant child who didn't get dessert, and chided herself for it. _'I doubt Thane thinks it fair that his wife was murdered. That he's dying and can't do a damned thing about it. At least you have some control over your fate. And he doesn't wallow in self-pity. No, he always has an ear for you.'_

In the weeks since Thane had come aboard, Kara had found herself making excuses for why she kept visiting the drell in Life Support. First, to get to know him like any other new team member. To check on his illness. To be a shoulder for him to lean on when he had revealed what had happened to his family. Even tonight, after she had arranged for Thane's son to work for her contact in C-Sec, and hopefully start to build an honest life for himself, she had found herself at his quarters.

She had told herself that she made a point to check in with all of her crew and make sure they knew they could depend on her. During this mission, especially, she had made sure that the squad she would be taking into battle with her had wrapped up any loose ends in their lives. She knew what it was like to face death with unfinished business gnawing at the back of her consciousness. If she was going to lose anyone on the other side of the relay, she sure as hell wasn't going to let them leave this world with regrets.

But in the shadowy silence of this empty dining hall, Shepard couldn't distance the realization that what she had with Thane was different. She was drawn to him. Sure, she had flirted with Jacob on occasion, but it was the kind of jocular flirting that was accompanied by all but a literal wink in tone. They both knew it was a game – a verbal contest of chicken and who would blink first. Not like it had been with Kaiden.

Kaiden. She tried not to think about him too much. But as she found herself drawn to the assassin poet below decks she couldn't help thinking of how her and Kaiden had found each other in similarly dire circumstances. It was similar... but not. No, whatever it was that kept drawing her back to Thane, it was different than what she had felt with Kaiden.

There was no playful flirting. No nervous considerations about professional protocol. None of the giddy elation that came as each discovered a new facet to life, with the expectation of what tomorrow would bring. With Thane, it was just a calm depth of feeling, of understanding. The strange thing was she wasn't sure exactly what it was they shared in an unspoken bond, but she suspected it had something to do with the shadow that loomed over everyone on this ship. The very real threat of it all ending sooner rather than later.

Shepard stirred her coffee with the handle of a spoon before pouring in some cream. She watched as the thin white stream met the swirling black liquid, twisting into a spiral before finally blending, disappearing into the coffee like a dissipating fog, leaving the coffee a lighter chocolate color. "I only hope I effect even that much..." she thought aloud.

"Effect what, Siha?" Shepard's heart skipped a beat at the unexpected voice. Seeing this, Thane's brow furrowed and he placed a hand on her shoulder. "I apologize. I did not mean to startle you. I will leave you be if you wish to be alone."

Shepard waved him off. "No, no. I was just brooding. Company would probably be good for me." She turned to look up at him, slinging an arm over the back of her chair. "What are you doing up at this hour, anyway?" She had read up on the drell after recruiting Thane and from what she had read, the drell were known to settle down to sleep by dusk on their planet. This was guessed to be a remnant of their reptilian ancestry, when they had still depended on the heat of the sun to warm and energize their bodies.

Thane shrugged. "Spending a life as an assassin has detached my body from the normal rhythms of my people. A hunter who relies on stealth must be able to take advantage of the cover night provides him. That is not to say that I do not miss the days that the sun gleamed through the dome on Kahje during my childhood." She watched as his eyes fluttered for brief moment, a sign she had learned meant that he was reliving a memory.

"There's some coffee left in the pot, if you're thirsty," offered Shepard as his gaze came back into focus.

"Thank you, but I am merely out for a walk. I find it helps when I become... lost."

Shepard nodded, assuming he referred to the memories of his past that he had shared with her a few days before. "You do this every night?"

Thane nodded. "But, I am happy to join you, Siha, if you would like the company. I think I am not the only one who finds themselves lost in the late hours."

Shepard rose and made her way to the kitchen's water dispenser. "Sure. Company would be nice."

Thane nodded and pulled out a chair opposite Shepard's recently vacated seat, settling down in a silent fluid motion. There was a moment of silence between the two, broken only by the sound of hot water filling a mug as Kara fixed a drink for Thane. She shut off the spout, took the few steps back over to the table, and slid the steaming cup to rest in front of the drell. His dark eyes studied the bottom of the cup where he could see small freeze-dried leaves uncurling as they soaked up the hot liquid.

"Agave blossom tea, from my personal stash," she answered his unspoken question. "It's an earth variety, from the desert. I thought you might enjoy it. You'll have to let it steep a bit though." The water slowly clouded as flavor was sapped from the tea leaves into the water.

Thane looked up from the novel sight, meeting Shepard's gaze. "What is it you wish to effect, Siha?"

A moment of confusion fluttered across her expression before remembering that was his initial question. She sighed, looking back down at the mug in front of her. "I was just thinking out loud. About my coffee."

"It is not your beverage that concerns you so gravely, I think," replied Thane evenly.

She shook her head, her lips twisting into a wry smile. "No. Not really." She took absently stirred the drink again before taking a sip, as Thane waited patiently for her to continue. "It's going to sound silly, but I was just envying the cream in my coffee." She paused when he didn't join back with the kind of smart comment she expected... why did she expect that? Because that's what Kaiden would have offered if this had been him. But it wasn't him. And she surprised herself when she realized that right now that was okay.

She continued. "I've spent the last year and a half... well, 3 and a half years if you count my... downtime... anyway, I've spent that time throwing all of myself into trying to stop the unstoppable. And I can't help feeling that no matter what I do it won't amount to any more difference than pitting a grain of sand against a hurricane." She sighed, before meeting Thane's eyes again. "Even a couple drops of cream in a cup of coffee can change the color, the character, of a cup of coffee. I'm throwing away everything I have in this world to save it and I'm not sure I've made a meaningful difference of any kind..." The dark paths her old friends were on and the politics as usual of the council danced at the back of her mind, taunting her for a moment before the deep hum of Thane's voice brought her back to the present.

"Have your eyes become so clouded, Siha?" He cocked his head, considering something. "How can one who sees so deeply into everyone she meets, not see herself?" Her face betrayed the question before she could ask it. "I have not been with you long, but I have seen how the grain of

sand changes the winds. Most go about their lives, rarely noticing those around them." The hint of a smirk played on his lips. "I have made it my stock in trade using this to my advantage, going as unseen as a ghost among these people. But you see those that suffer life's injustices and have helped many that would otherwise have gone unnoticed. One kind act can save many lives."

A bitter grunt escaped Shepard's throat. "Not as many lives as I've taken," she replied, sullenly.

"Perhaps. But you did not choose to take those lives, any more than I chose those fell at my hands."

She could tell he believed what he said, but could not help voice her own doubt. "Didn't we? I chose to join the Alliance. You chose to be an assassin."

"But we did not choose the life that led to those decisions any more than a starving man chooses to be a thief to feed his family. If you were not a soldier, what would you have been?"

Shepard paused to consider this. After Mindoir, and the slaughter of her family, she had found herself lost. Her family had left nothing behind, and at 16 years old faced a life alone, an unfinished education, not a penny to her name, and no family, no friends. The Alliance offered to take her in and support her in return for her enlistment when she turned 18. It really was her only choice, unless she wanted to end up a dancer... or worse, like she'd seen in so many of the seedy nightclubs she'd found herself in since becoming a Spectre. "Maybe," she answered after a moment, "but I didn't have to become a soldier. I could have stayed out of combat."

"We do not choose our talents, Siha. What counts is what we do with them. That is my shame, but it should not be yours. Good blooms out of the destruction left by your path. You need only look at what you have done for companions for proof of this. You have helped save my son, and in turn have helped me more than you may ever know. I see that you care for others more than most.... more than you know."

Kara searched the face of the drell seated across from her, feeling his words sink in like a salve on her wounded heart, and saw him for the man he truly was for the first time. She wanted to believe what he said, and she realized that he was right. Ever since she had woken up in that Cerberus lab, she'd felt like she didn't know herself anymore. She knew he was searching for the same, and suddenly realized how desperately she wanted to help him that. "I know one thing..." she began.

"Yes Siha?"

"I care for you more than I'd like to admit." The thought came out before she had had time to consciously realize it.

"I know," he answered quietly.

"It's complicated," she began, but did not know what else to say, finally settling on lacing her fingers together.

"I know." She'd never volunteered much detail about her life two years before, but he had spent his life studying people, and knew well the look of hurt that occasionally haunted her eyes. It was the look of the heartbroken, the lost, the lonely. "For someone with a ship full of people willing to put their lives in her hands... you're the loneliest person I know."

She looked down, avoiding his gaze, feeling naked as the unspoken truths between them were finally being spoken. She felt Thane's large hands wrap around her own, before she realized she had shut her eyes. "Sometimes, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it," he continued.

She took a deep breath, willing herself to open her eyes and meet his gaze and he squeezed her hands gently, in emphasis. "Let me in."

He withdrew his hands, granting her her space, and she was painfully aware of his absence. It was only the storm of conflicting emotions, a feeling that she was betraying Kaiden by welcoming another man's touch, that stopped her from pulling his hands back into hers. But she couldn't deny what she felt.

She met Thane's eyes, and she couldn't deny what she felt. "I want to."

He brought the mug of tea to his lips and sipped the fragrant brew. "I can taste the sun in this, I think. Thank you."

Had there been anyone to observe them at this moment, most likely they would not have seen what passed between them at that moment. But Shepard knew that he was referring to more than the taste of the tea. It didn't need to be spoken, as a quiet understanding settled between them.

"Be at peace this evening, Siha." Thane rose from his seat, his hand lingering on her shoulder as he passed, her own coming to rest on his for just a moment before he withdrew it, and he strode silently out of the room, the steam from his cup of tea leaving an ethereal trail behind him in the cold air of the ship.

They both slept better than evening, in their respective beds, knowing that when she was ready, he would be there. And that was all either needed for now.

**Next time: **_Confronting the Collectors, the aftermath, and a deser hideaway._


	5. Enigma

**Author's Note: **First off, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone that has been following this story. And to those that have reviewed so far:**Anime Fan Team, Amara Wil Fren , Komikitty, kiwibliss, Belladonna-Isabella, Drider Queen, Elena-Unduli, jeandark, Sasha Feine, Leeirane **double-plus thanks! Feedback is the lifeblood of any fanfic author, so thanks for keeping me fed ;)

Second, this chapter just didn't want to be written, I think! So, that's why its short, despite the wait. But, I needed a bridge between the last chapter and this, which should be out very soon.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Enigma**

It had been three days since she and Thane had crossed paths in the night. Two days since she brought the geth on board. One day since beginning the IFF install. 12 hours since she had left with her team via shuttle to check out a small planetoid. And 4 hours since they had received an encrypted emergency distress communication from the Normandy.

Shepard could tell from Joker's voice that something was not right, but the question of just how unthinkably wrong things had gone in the hours since her departure was what remained to be seen. All attempts to contact the ship had been met with nothing but and automated message from EDI. So, the ship was still out there, but where was the crew? Why wasn't at least EDI answering? The trip back had been the longest of her life and she could tell she wasn't the only one feeling rattled.

Most of her squad-mates kept silent, obviously employing their own coping mechanisms, which made the cramped quarters of the shuttle feel even more claustrophobic. Garrus absently fingered the scar along his face, his mandibles occasionally fluttering in what looked to Shepard like the turian equivalent of a human sucking their teeth. Miranda scanned a datapad, though Shepard could tell from the blank stare that she wasn't actually reading it, while Jack did her best to antagonize the woman by creating biotic flares that danced along her fingertips which had the side-effect of interfering with the pad's display. Tali fiddled with her omni-tool, adjusting and readjusting settings. Samara sat, eyes closed, presumably meditating, while next to her Grunt practically vibrated with aggression held in check. Jacob cleaned and polished his sidearm, seemingly calm, aside from the fact that he had been buffing the same spot for well over 45 minutes. Shepard could see Mordin's lips move, as if talking to himself, his gaze flitting back and forth across data only he could see. _'Quite the crew you've got yourself',_ she mused quietly to herself.

Shepard's eyes landed on Thane for not the first time. He, like Samara, was fond of his meditations, although she suspected they weren't of the ritualized sort that the asarian favored. Instead he blinked quickly, eyes practically rolled back into his head, as he no doubt distracted himself with moments long passed. It was times like this that she envied him his eidetic memory.

For her own part, Kara found herself falling back into the habit that had kept her alive since Mindoir continually assessing and reassessing her surroundings, between resending a hailing frequency to the Normandy. Only problem was, in the past this survival instinct served a purpose in the dangerous situations she's found herself in over the years. Now, that energy was practically toxic, serving no purpose except to build up impotent frustration in her muscles.

The shuttle's helm beeped shrilly, indication another denial of communication. "Goddammit!" shouted Shepard, her fist slamming through the holographic display, into the polycarbonate panel underneath. The sudden outburst caused the rest of the shuttle's passengers to practically jump out of their skins and even before turning around Shepard could feel all eyes on her. _'Nice leading by example there, Commander'_, she thought sarcastically.

She ground her molars for a moment, her frustration suddenly replaced by embarrassment at her outburst as she slowly turned her chair around to face her squad. She sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Sorry," she paused, not sure of what exactly to say. "It's just..." she let the thought trail off, as everyone else on board dropped her gaze, their understanding clear as they went back to their business. Everyone but Thane, who held her gaze for just long enough to make it clear he wished he could reach out and steady her nerves. And somehow, in that brief but lingering exchange she could feel the calm acceptance of whatever fate brought wash over her nerves like a salve. Did anyone else see what she did in those eyes? Or was it her imagination reading what she wanted into those black orbs?

Her reverie was broken by the soft but insistent chime indicating an incoming communication. _'Please, God, please...'_ she begged silently as she hit the 'accept' button.

"Are you there, Commander?" asked a familiar voice over the comm.

Shepard bolted upright, as did everyone else in the shuttle. "Joker! Are you alright? What happened!"

"I...," a pause, unusual for the quick-witted pilot, and Shepard's breath hitched for a moment. .. I think maybe you should see for yourself."

Shepard furrowed her brow. "Joker, I need a status report. Is the ship okay, does Dr. Chakwas need us to pick up supplies for casualties?!"

"No, Commander, I don't think that's what the doctor could use right about now. I -"

"Incoming," interrupted EDI's voice, "in 3... 2..." suddenly a bright flash of light filled the shuttle and the Normandy appeared to their starboard, as it dropped out of FTL.

Shepard's eyes scanned the sleek hull, looking for any damage, but aside from a few scrapes along the hull, she seemed in perfect condition. She felt herself sink back into her chair, relieved at the sight. She tapped the comm button again. "Joker, what the hell is going on? You and the crew decide to go on a bender and drive through an asteroid field while I was away?"

She hoped for some sort of smart-asses rejoinder from the pilot, hoped all she had to deal with was meting out a bit of discipline for her largely civilian crew, for getting into the kind of largely harmless hijinks one might expect from a non-military operation. She hoped all this, even if somewhere in the back of her mind she knew Cerberus was no civilian outfit.

"Commander..." Joker's voice wavered for a moment. "That's, uh, the thing. Ya see, the Collectors... the crew... they're gone." Shepard felt the pit of her stomach drop as she knew in an instant it was here.

Their time was up.

* * *

**Next Time: **Before the Normandy makes it's way through the Omega relay, Thane makes his way through a much more intimidating portal the door to Shepard's cabin.


	6. Afterhours

**Chapter 6: ****Afterhours**

It had been one hell of a 24 hours. After her crew had been abducted, EDI had finally gotten the geth unit online - Legion as they had agreed to call him. She, Jack, and Tali had shut down the Heretic station, while Joker and EDI finalized preparations for the Omega relay jump. And now the Normandy was on the way to what could easily be the end. The end of anyone in her squad... the end of herself... the end of the Reapers, hopefully.

Shepard sighed as she saved and closed her final field report for Cerberus, and ran a hand across her face. They were as prepared as they could be... all the ship upgrades anyone could come up with... armor, weapons, medical, and yet, she didn't feel ready. It was the damnedest thing. She didn't have anything to leave behind, but hell if she didn't feel like something was unfinished.

Kara Shepard tapped away at her datapad, reviewing schematics and other information picked up in the last 8 months with Cerberus. What the use of filing data with Cerberus was, was still dubious to the former Specter, considering she didn't trust them farther than she could throw them, but still... the data had to be left with someone, should they not return.

A beep and a swish. Kara boosted herself from her chair instinctively and swept her eyes up towards the door, but froze half-way through the motion when she saw who had entered. Thane.

He paused for the briefest moment before stepping across the threshold and his troubled eyes locked with her's. "Siha, I.." he froze a moment before his anxiety pushed him into action again. "I have known I will die for many years." He began to pace and it was clear to Shepard that he had rehearsed this speech, and whatever it was had him more nervous than she had ever seen the drell. "I have tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it."

He turned away from her as his gaze met the floor. "You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs... I've spoken with my son." He turned to face her again and the pain on his face almost felt like a stab to Shepard's own heart. "I should be at peace on the eve of battle..."

She was on her feet, crossing the distance between them before she even knew what she was doing."Stop -" she almost pleaded, stepping into his personal space, and lightly grabbing his wrists in an effort to focus his attention on her. She met his eyes. "Don't give me a speech."

Thane dropped his gaze downward again. "I am... ashamed." The burden - the pain - he carried echoed the kind she knew all too well. It was the kind of thing that could destroy a person if they let it. She knew this because she had been on that precipice more than once. It was because of this that if she could help shoulder even a sliver of his burden, Kara would. She raised her hand to cup his face in her palm, and saw a glimmer of wetness in his eyes, before Thane recoiled from her touch, pulling her hand away gently. He turned back around to avoid her gaze once again.

Thane inhaled deeply, staring blankly at the table top. Shepard's lips parted, about to say something before Thane raised his left hand, slamming the fist into the table, startling her. A single drop of clear liquid splashed onto the top of his knuckles. _'Was that a tear?'_ she wondered. Her unasked question was answered as he looked back at her over his shoulder.

"I have worked so hard, his voice was tight with emotion. "I've meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evil I've done. _Prepared._"Shepard felt her own eyes become moist as she saw this strong, quiet man shed his emotional armor before her.

Thane continued to press his fist into the table, as if he could quash his feelings under his knuckles. "I consider my body's death and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid... and it shames me."

Kara took a step forward, placing her hand on his tense fist. "Thane..." He stopped at this contact, turning back to face her as Shepard brought her hand up to his cheek. "Be alive with me tonight." Before she knew what she was doing, Kara leaned in and their lips met for the first time.

It wasn't like anything she had felt before. His lips were soft, except for the tougher ridges along the lip line. The contrast only served to enhance the softness of his lips, and she found herself lightly pulling his bottom lip between her teeth for a moment before releasing the kiss.

The pair's eyes met and both knew nothing else need be said for the moment, at least. There was none of the awkwardness of two people discovering each other for the first time, nor was there the animalistic lust of a passion finally being unleashed. Instead, things seemed to flow peacefully, letting the exploration of each other determine the pace, both losing themselves in celebrating their bodies and the life that still flowed through them. Shepard couldn't be sure if the floating feeling was the result of their pairing, or the hallucinations Mordin had warned her about occurring with drell contact, but it didn't particularly matter anyhow.

As she lay in bed with Thane, her head resting on his chest, Shepard could not help her mind drifting back to the last time she had found herself in this position. And Kaidan. A pang of guilt washed over her as she considered their first night together. The circumstances were so alike on the surface, yet felt so different. Her relationship with Kaidan had always been that of the hunter and the prey. Always pursuing him, pushing him, even down to his joining her in her cabin. _'Bunk with me.'_

Not so with Thane. They weren't restricted by military regs, of course, but their relationship had grown so organically that she doubted it would have mattered had circumstances been different. It was what they both needed right here, in this moment in time. She didn't think that Thane had come up to her quarters to do anything but talk, but nonetheless they had found what they needed tonight, facing their mortality by celebrating their life in the most basic of ways.

Shepard stole a look at the clock next to her bed. 2 hours to the relay. Tonight was the first time since she had woken up in that Cerberus lab that she had really felt alive again, only to be faced with throwing it all away again. She shut her eyes and held Thane just a bit tighter, drinking in the warmth of his body, his scent, his heartbeat beneath her ear. She would drink in every last scrap of life to be had in the next 120 minutes and take that energy to the Collectors. If she was going to die, it sure as hell wasn't going to be the meaningless one they'd forced on her the last time.

And if by some miracle, they both made it through this mission unscathed... she made a resolution to to herself in that moment, before taking Thane's hand in her own. "You said you wanted to see a desert, right?"

**Next Time: **One learns how to live, while another learns to let go.


	7. Choices in the Aftermath

**Notes: **Italicized sections are flashbacks. I've also slightly altered some game dialogue just to flesh out the interaction between characters a bit, since as you're reading this you can't see choices that would be made through a menu in the game. I'm afraid this is a Thane-lite chapter, for those that care, but I think it came out pretty well, and sets up some great Thane/Shep post-ME2 relationship stuff as they make the most of what time they have left together. We're mostly looking at how the team as a whole will move forward post-Collectors.

**Extra Note!** I've been having issues for the last few chapters with the site's document manager chewing up and scrambling my chapters after they are uploaded. I'm doing my best to re-edit them after upload, but I hope you will bear with me through a few typos until I can figure out why this is happening. Thanks! :)

**Chapter 7: Choices in the Aftermath **

They had made it farther than Shepard had expected. There had been a few close calls, but so far, so good, and now that they had found what was left of her kidnapped crew, it was time for the final push. Miranda had finally fallen into the role she was officially supposed to be playing that of second officer and adviser. As they conferred over how to split up into teams, Shepard was reminded again why she spent the time she did getting to know her crew. She knew their strengths, their weaknesses, and who worked best with whom. It made command decisions less random, which in a mission like this was crucial.

"Samara, it was your suggestion, so I trust you can do it. You and I will take a small team through the seeker Asari nodded resolutely. "Jack, you're coming with us too. Between the three of us, we'll have three biotics to make it through those swarms in case something happens." Jack cracked her knuckles in her version of an acknowledgment. "Miranda, I want you leading the rest of the team."

Miranda nodded. "I'll keep the defenders busy while you slip in the back."

"What about me and the rest of the crew, Shepard?" asked Dr. Chakwas. "We're in no condition to fight." Shepard didn't doubt it. The exhaustion of whatever they had been through wilted their figures.

Joker's voice crackled in her ear. "Commander, we have enough systems online to do a pick up, but we need to land back from your position."

Miranda's head snapped around. "We can't afford to go back, Shepard. Not now."

Kara Shepard shook her head. They couldn't just leave most of the crew here. She was getting everyone out that she could. "You'll never make it without help. I'll send someone with you." She scanned the faces of her squad members, but in her heart she already knew who she was sending.

He stood watching the proceedings silently, his arms held behind his leather coat. He was holding up well so far, but part of her questioned how long that could last. Not that she would ever tell him that. It would hurt his pride make him think that she didn't have all of her faith in him. It was because of that that she knew what she had to do. "Thane, I want you to escort the crew back to the ship."

He nodded solemnly. "I will protect them with my life." She knew he would. But more selfishly, she didn't want to be in the same situation as she'd found herself on Virmire with Kaidan. This mission was too important. Hopefully, by the time she'd made her way to... whatever she would find at the ship's core, Thane and the Normandy's crew would be back aboard where Joker could get them all back to safety should it all go to hell. And then she could concentrate on doing what she had to do, knowing that someone would make it out safe.

He would make it out safe.

But was that fair? To ensure the safety of the one person on the crew guaranteed to die within a year...

"_Am I really being selfish?"_ she thought in a moment of self-doubt._ "N__o."_ She knew Thane would do everything he could to ensure the survival of all the lives of everyone in his care. It was part of his redemption. And although she would never say it, they both knew that his stamina was comprimised, if only so moderately by his illness. She didn't know how long it would take to reach the core, which meant she didn't know how long Miranda's distraction team would have to hold off the Collector horde. No, it was the right decision.

She met Thane's eyes from across the room. His face was resolute, as was hers, but the subtlest furrowing of her brow, and the small bow of his head was all the communication they needed between them. They knew what they needed to do, why they were here. Both to give the last of what they could to this world with the borrowed time that they were on. Shepard, hopefully taking out of the Collector base; Thane saving as many lives as he could to make up for those that he had taken over the years.

They said their goodbyes in those seconds their eyes met - at least as much as they needed after their time together hours before. They knew where they stood, where they were going if they survived this, and that if even if they didn't, it didn't change what they had shared. A sense of resolve settled in her gut.

Thane clicked his ear earpiece. "Joker. I will need your landing coordinates. We'll see you there."

Shepard filled her lungs possibly one last time, before rolling her shoulders back into her full command presence.

This was it. She surveyed her crew, meeting each one in the eye as she spoke.

"It's been a long journey. And no one is comin' out without scars. But it all comes down to _this _moment. Win or lose it _all_ in the _next fe_w minutes... Make me proud. Make yourselves proud." She cocked her assualt rifle in emphasis."We've got our assignments. Lets move out."

* * *

Shepard tapped on the glass of the small terrarium next to her desk. The interior of the little habitat was a mess of jostled food pellets and wood shavings, soggy from the overturned water bottle, all of which half-buried the brown hidey-cube. Her face broke into a relieved smile as the fuzzy brown head of one Mr. McDuff cautiously poked out of the litter. His two beady black eyes blinked a couple times, his whiskers twitching, before disappearing back into the wood shavings.

Satisfied, she turned toward the steps leading down to her bed, pulling off her gloves, before landing heavily on her bed, and getting to work on removing her boots. She stole a glance back at the blue glow from the aquarium, and two fish flopped on their sides floating at the top. Thankfully, somehow, those two swimmers had been the only casualties of their mission through the Omega 4 relay. Most of the Normandy crew had been rescued, and while she regretted having not gotten there before the Collectors had liquidated some of her crew. Shepard had long ago learned the hard way to not dwell on what she could not have helped. She had gotten to them as quickly as possible, but it hadn't been quick enough.

So, she would do what she could do for them and the crew. A memorial service on board was planned for tomorrow, and she would write each of their families to do what she could to let them know that they had not died in vain; that each of them contributed to a mission that had helped deal a significant blow towards keeping the galaxy safe. The least she could do was make each family feel like their loved one had been the hero that the media was constantly making out her to be. She knew it was hollow consolation for never seeing that person again, but hoped it at least gave some meaning to their deaths. She made a mental note to talk to Miranda about making sure the Illusive Man made good on the crew's pensions, which would be difficult now that Shepard had burned that bridge.

Shepard smiled inwardly as the events of 20 minutes ago replayed in her mind. She had contacted the Illusive Man directly after re-entering the Omega system, as he had been hailing the Normandy incessantly since she had cut him off while rigging the Collector base to destruct.

_His face blipped into resolution and it struck Shepard that it seemed as if he had finally dropped the mask of civility, as if she was seeing the true face of the ruthless man she'd had the displeasure of working with for the first time. _

"_Shepard," he snapped cooly before she could say a word. "Y__ou're making a habit of costing me more than time and money."_

_A lecture was the last thing she was in the mood for and maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe it was knowledge that she had finally paid back the debt she hadn't asked for in full, but Shepard found herself failing to bite back from her lips the smart-ass remark she usually let stay in the back of her mind. "S__orry, I'm having trouble hearing you, I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line." She tapped her earpiece in sarcastic emphasis. _

All the Illusive Man's talk of human dominance after a team of aliens and outcasts from human society had saved his ass, along with every other member of humanity, had been the last straw of his arrogant crap that she could stomach. And as far as she was concerned, he could be as pissed as he wanted, because she thankfully still held her Spectre status and had the legal right to commandeer the Normandy and everything on it. That sort of behavior wasn't normally how she liked to conduct herself, but just like when the Council had grounded her, she was willing to do what she had to when the situation demanded it.

She was not surprised that Miranda had apparently been listening in on the little exchange and had requested Shepard's presence in her office the moment Joker had cut off the Illusive Man's transmission. Not feeling like being led around by the nose by anyone with Cerberus anymore, Shepard issued a rejoinder, telling Miranda if she wanted to talk, she should come to the conference room.

The surprise came when Miranda showed up promptly, with Jacob in tow. Both, like Shepard herself, were still a wreck, their armor scuffed and mottled with the sticky green goo of dispatched collector drones from the battle and escape which was not even an hour past.

_The door slid shut behind the two Cerberus agents. Shepard stood at the opposite far end of the table, leaning her hip against it casually. She had expected a confrontation from Miranda, but not Jacob. ____"You wanted to see me?" she asked, crossing her arms._

_Miranda nodded. She actually looked a little pensive. Or was that nervous? Shepard wasn't sure, except to say that this was probably the most human she's seen her aside from when they had saved her sister 6 weeks before."Y__es. Shepard. I, uh, that is we... Jacob and myself... we-"_

"_-we're with you". Jacob, rescuing Miranda from herself. "W__e're with you against the Illusive Man, that is."_

_Shepard's shoulders dropped a bit, softening her posture. She hadn't been expecting that."Y__ou heard my conversation with the Illusive Man, I take it?" she asked, already knowing the answer._

"_I'm sure you're not surprised. Especially after my sister chided me in that message to you," replied Miranda, before quickly adding, "I __**did** stop after that. Reading your messages, that is, I assure you."_

_Shepard raised an eyebrow at that, pleasantly surprised that Miranda would admit to that without prompting. "S__till monitoring my communication with the Illusive Man, though, huh?" She didn't care one way or another, since she had suspected as much from the beginning, but couldn't help but to feel out where the other woman was at._

"_That was his order, actually... though I don't suspect he had expected this particular turn of events," replied Miranda wrly, her own defensive nature returning a certain degree of her usual swagger to her speech._

_Shepard uncrossed her arms, placing her hands atop the back of the chair in front of her, and leaned forward slightly, her interest evident. "And what would be 'these turn of events' exactly?"_

"_Let me speak plainly, Shepard... Kara," as she switched to the Commander's first name, the tone of her voice shifted too, to a familiar one, one might expect between friends. It was strange to hear coming from the normally formal woman. I__know the circumstances of our relationship have been... less than ideal, but over the past months I have developed an... appreciation for your methods. They're unorthodox to say the least, but what we have just achieved proves they work. God knows under any other command I firmly believe we may have all died. **I **owe you **my** life now. But we're far from even. I owe you the life of my sister, as well."_

_Shepard nodded, sensing that now was not the time for humility on her part, and let Miranda continue. _

"_Anyhow, I believe you've shown me the bigger picture. I have spent all of my adult life in the service of Cerberus' goals. They were goals that I believed in... I still believe in. Serving mankind, ensuring the safety of humanity. But I see now that Cerberus' way.... the Illusive Man's way need not be the only approach. Serving with you, with this crew, has shown me that truly the best thing for humanity is to bring it into the galactic community and prove it's worth... prove what we as a species can bring to the galaxy. And that perhaps looking out only for ourselves is the kind of arrogant selfishness is the mentality that drove me from my father to begin with."_

_Jacob gave Miranda a sidelong glance."Y__eah. What she said," he remarked with a smirk, which received a glare from her in return. "L__ook, Shepard, I said it before. I've never been down with all of Cerberus' methods. You run a tight ship, you get things done without compromising whats right, and I've been lucky enough to have a part in it. I've done more with my life in the past months than most folks do in their entire lives. And I want to keep havin' that. If you'll have me."_

_Shepard crossed the room, eliminating the impersonal distance between herself and the two agents. She met Jacob's eyes. "I__f you want to continue on with me, then I'm happy to have you, Jacob. I don't know where we're going from here, but I can use all the best soldiers I can get. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to fund this or pay anyone. But, I can guarantee it'll be dangerous as hell, and that we're going to put the hurt on the Reapers one way or another. Sound like a deal?"_

_"Sounds like a damned good deal." He_ _snapped his arm up into a tight salute. "C__ommander."_

_Shepard shook her head, a smile dancing faintly on her lips. "N__o orders right now. Just one person to another. I can't ask more than that." He extended her hand. _

_Jacob looked at it uncomprehendingly for a moment before taking it in a firm handshake. "D__eal, Shepard."_

"_Glad to have you Jacob," she replied. She turned to Miranda now, and placed a hand on the other woman's shoulder. "A__s for you..." she began, "J__acob, do you mind if we had a moment."_

"_No problem," he replied, turning for the door. "O__h, but one last thing, Shepard."_

"_Yeah?"_

"_You'll have to tell me sometime how it felt to give it to that S.O.B. like you did!" he said with a laugh._

_Shepard smirked, shaking her head as the auto-doors slid shut behind him. She turned back to Miranda, searching her face. _

_Miranda furrowed her brow. "W__hat is it?"_

_Shepard took a step back, giving Miranda her personal space back. "I __just want to make sure this is really what you want to do. Like you said, you've been with Cerberus your entire adult life. Are you sure you're ready to just turn your back on that? He may very well come after us."_

"_I've considered that, Shepard. And yes, I'm sure. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a conscience-"_

"_-I know that."_

"_-and the Illusive Man's tactics have become increasingly... troubling over the past few years. As his power has grown, so have his ambitions. Absolute power corrupts and all that. I had been hoping it wouldn't come to this, but hearing him talk of using that technology.... the arrogance to think that we could control it when we know nothing about it.... I knew that I could no longer in good conscious serve the Cerberus banner."_

_Miranda crossed her arms, turning to stare at a nearby bulkhead. She was uncomfortable again, which Shepard suspected was because she was feeling vulnerable. Miranda's posture softened. "I __know we've had our differences, but I like to think we've reached something of a mutual respect, if nothing else. At the very least, I know you're a better person than I about not holding grudges - else you wouldn't have helped me with my sister."_

"_It was the right thing to do," replied Shepard. "W__hich isn't to say that you haven't gained my respect. You excel at whatever task is put before you... not that you don't know that. But like I told you before, what makes a person exceptional is their spirit, not how they're engineered. And trust me - having been re-engineered by the best, I can say it hasn't changed who I am," she said wryly. "A__nd you've shown yourself to be an exceptional person."_

_She put her hands on Miranda's shoulders, gently turning her to face her, surprised by the lack of resistance. "L__ook. Believe it or not, despite the spying on me, for the life of me I trust you. You were doing your job - same as me. But when our backs were up against it, I could count on you, and thats what matters. We may not always agree, but I still respect your opinion."_

"_As I do yours," replied Miranda._

"_Well, that's it then, isn't it? If you're sure you want to stay on with us, then I'd be honored to have you."_

"_I am sure."_

"_That makes four of us against the universe confirmed, then," said Shepard lightly._

"_I wouldn't count the rest of the crew out yet, Shepard. I would be surprised if any of the Normandy crew retire now, after being rescued from certain death."_

"_Maybe. We'll see."_

_

* * *

_

Shepard shut off the steaming hot water of the shower and grabbed a towel to dry off. That exchange had been one of the most surprising turn of events since beginning this whole mission. She sure as hell couldn't have guessed the day she'd met Miranda that under that coldly arrogant exterior was a woman still struggling to find her place in this world. Should she be surprised though? Shepard knew that she herself worked to put on an air of confidence that she didn't always feel - certainly a confidence she had struggled to find since coming back from the dead. It was necessary when leading people.

She pulled on a pair of light cotton drawstring pants and a white undershirt, and switched on some soothing music before falling back onto her bed. She sank into the foam mattress, forcing the tension in her muscles to finally abate as she stared up at the ceiling. She'd thought about calling Thane up to her room, but wasn't sure he'd want that at the moment. In the past, after coming back from a squad mission he often meditated in his quarters for hours. At first he had politely declined any conversation, but as they grew closer he had said any time of his was hers to have. Still, she didn't want to interrupt, preferring to respect his needs, and generally tried to leave him be for some hours after returning to the ship.

She sighed, trying to be patient and content with her own company for the time being. A few minutes passed like this before the chime of someone at her cabin door startled her nearly out of her skin. She bolted upright, heart racing. "Come in!" she called out a little more loudly than she intended.

The door slid open to reveal Thane. "Siha," his deep, calm voice rumbled. "I have not interrupted anything, have I? You seem... out of sorts."

Kara shook her head in the negative, then began smoothing down her hair. "No, no, you just startled me, that's all."

"I apologize," he said, stepping across the threshold.

It was then that she noticed he was carrying a hand behind his back. She raised an eyebrow at him. "You're not here to kill me, are you?" she said with a smirk.

Thane looked confused for a moment before realization dawned. "Ah." He swept the hidden hand from his back as he approached the table across from the bed, revealing two wine glasses. "I thought perhaps you would like a drink. To celebrate."

"Certainly. But I'm afraid I don't have anything on hand... unless you want to use water from the tap..."

Thane smiled, opening his coat. "I have that covered," he said as he pulled out a bottle of red wine. It looked to be an asari vintage, if Shepard could be a judge of such things. "I traded with Dr. Chawkwas for this just before the attack on the Normandy. In case it came in handy."

She smirked. "My boyscout."

"Boy... scout? Forgive me, I do not understand."

Shepard got up to join him and ran a hand down his upper arm, lingering at the end. "Earth expression. It means, 'always prepared'," she replied as she picked up one of the wine glasses.

Thane nodded as he inserted the corkscrew, before pulling the cork from the bottle. He poured their glasses in an obviously practiced way before raising his own. "As I said, to celebrate. A toast perhaps?"

Shepard raised her own glass. "To living another day?" she suggested.

"To living another day... and to making it count," he added.

"And to making it count." They clinked glasses, took a sip, and sealed it by sharing a brief kiss.

The rest of the evening melted away into the warmth of a bottle of wine, the caress if soothing music, and the comfort of each other's embrace.

* * *

**Next Time:** Shepard, Thane, and the rest of the crew settle in to what comes next. And the couple find what both of them need in this time ans situation.


	8. Rebirth

**A/N:** The Long Edition! Sorry for the update delay. Funny, this is the part I wanted to get to and like the dog that chases a car and finally catches it... I didn't know what I wanted to do with it! :D My approach with this chapter and the next is to capture a long period of time kind of in the way memories work. Which is detailed snapshots of particular moments, and the day to day encapsulated in shorter sentences. Hopefully, it doesn't seem disjointed because of this. Also, I spent 12 years living in the Arizona desert, Tucson, so I decided to send Thane and Shep on their desert trip there, since moisture in the summer tends to hover at about 0-5% humidity... and it's the desert I know best. ;)

P.S. If you want to have a look at the desert I am describing, a decent video is here: www(dot)youtube(dot)com(slash)watch?v=utFhmlfbBU0 Hopefully it'll help the picture in your head especially if you've never been in a desert before. And terms I have used that you may not know, I encourage you to google it. I described as best I could, without losing the flow of the narrative, but I'm not totally sure how clear I got the picture. Oh, and google "cicada noise" if you've never heard it. It's deafening in person.

Wow, okay, so all that is probably too long, didn't read exposition. Anyway! ;) Tell me what you think!

* * *

**Chapter 8: Rebirth**

_Kaidan,_

_Considering that our mission was conducted in the shadows, I doubt that any of the news nets have reported it. Hopefully, Anderson isn't stonewalling anymore, and let you know. If not, I just thought you should know that we succeeded. We took out the collector base with minimal casualties. I'm forwarding you some files on biotic implants from Cerberus in hopes that you can put them to use in ridding yourself of those migraines without dampening your biotics. A Salarian scientist on my crew designed a way to modify L2 implants from it, which is also included. I know you probably won't use them, given they have the blood of Cerberus on them, but consider it a gesture. I don't know... maybe I'm not who I was before dying, but this whole experience has made me see things as less black and white than I used to. And the shades of gray I see, tell me that something good should come out of the suffering that has happened at the hands of Cerberus. I don't know if that's how you'll see it, but I understand either way._

_You may have heard on the news feeds that Cerberus is seeking compensation from the Council for the funds that I stole . Well, that's because I told them to shove it... basically. That doesn't mean I'm done... just that I'll be doing things my way from now. I'm not going renegade or anything. I'll still be sharing my findings with the Alliance and the Council. Hell, I'll need all the support I can get. But this isn't a human problem, or even a problem for just the Council races. This is life or death. For the whole universe. Period._

_Sorry, I don't mean to give you a speech. I just hope you can understand that I still need time. Like I said in my last letter, I'm not sure about almost anything anymore. I need time to figure out how I fit in this world now. Not just this ship, this mission. But as a person. And I finally have a little of that time until we bring the fight to the Reapers. I need time to mourn my death, I think, like you and everyone else had. When I've had that time, one way or another I would like to see you. To talk. I hope you will want that too. I don't know when that will be...._

_You'll be in my thoughts.... always,_

_Kara

* * *

_

Shepard was awoken from a light slumber by the beep of her personal terminal that indicated she had received a message on a priority channel. She rubbed the palm of her hand into one closed eye groggily, grumbling in her throat a little as she pulled herself up the stairs to her desk. She plopped herself down in the desk chair, pushing strands of red hair out of her eyes, and lazily dialed into her messages. Her green eyes scanned her inbox, mostly full of spam mail, until they came to rest upon a single unread message which blinked insistingly. She was instantly awake when she saw the sender, and sat up tensely. There was nothing in the subject line. She hesitated the briefest of moments before opening it.

It was an image file of an elegant phoenix, feathers tinged in brilliant hues of red, and a sweeping almost peacock-like tail of orange offset with green, rising from the ashes greeted her. It's piercing eyes, also an emerald green, stared back at her with a look she could swear looked both fearsomely defiant and reassuringly peaceful. Below, it was signed simply "K".

Kara felt a warmth spread through her chest and engulf her heart, unaware of the gentle smile that spread across face, lifting just a little of the sadness that had been haunting her eyes since she had awoken. That morning she printed the picture, slipping it into the photo frame which had laid face down on her desk for months.

* * *

"That.... that can't be right. Why would that be-"

"I have quadrupal-checked the findings, Commander," interrupted Mordin." It is true. Tragic. Sad... I apologize. Do not mean to patronize."

Thane nodded solemnly. Shepard shook her head, indicating no apology was necessary, as tears welled up in her eyes. She swallowed the hard lump in her throat, trying to fight the heavy breathing in her chest.

Mordin's large black eyes flicked between his desk, her face, and Thane's. "No other conclusion. Collector's fumes or dust in base. Maybe particulates of seeker swarms. Perhaps a fungus inside ship. Not certain what. But certainly something unknown. Will try to determine." He nervously rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. "But effects certain. Exposure to Collector ship has accelerated Kepral's Syndrome. Will do my best to find effective therapy to extend Mr. Krios' life, but... do not know what success rate will be."

"Thank you, Dr. Solus," said Thane, calmly, showing no outward sign of trouble at Mordin's diagnosis. "I am sure you will do your best."

"Recommend arid atmosphere. Dry as possible."

Shepard nodded silently in response, following Thane as he exited the lab, as her emotions raged hidden behind her Commander mask. Just two days ago she had thought she had saved all her crew. Now... she had accelerated the death of the one person she could take comfort in. The fact that he had volunteered to walk into it didn't help because he hadn't had a hand in bringing her back to life, which led to her recruiting him. Her heart broke into even smaller pieces than she knew possible, after having been shattered so many times before.

He held her in his arms that night, but the congested sound of his breathing as she rested her head on his chest only cemented her feelings of guilt. She held him a little tighter that night as she felt their time together cut a bit shorter. Not since Shepard had been spaced, counting the seconds left in her oxygen supply, had she felt the precious shortness of time. And the resolve to do something with it. Except this time, she had more than seconds. They both had time. Time to live. Time to learn. As little as it may be... time to make peace.

----

Shepard sunk back against the wooden slats of her chair, the sun melting her muscles through sheer domination, and she surrendered under the high summer heat. She and Thane had decided to spend his remaining days here, but hell if it was not for her mammalian physiology especially after having spent so many years in the artificially cool environment of starships. Having done her research, and having a desire to visit a new region of Earth, Shepard had suggested they take their leave in the Sonoran desert of what was once Arizona. Or Mexico. She was never great with classical geography. She hadn't grown up there and thus, it was as alien as any other climate of a distant planet. But it did see to agree with Thane.

She turned her head to one side to watch him as he dozed peacefully, spread out on the bare sandstone of their porch, better to absorb the heat of the sun. In an antiquated gentlemanly gesture she hadn't expected, he had insisted on paying to rent the small adobe house in which they were vacationing. It had taken a fair bit of negotiating before he'd finally agreed to splitting the cost, after she had argued that any money he saved could go to his son's inheritance. His imminent death was not a subject that they danced around or ignored. It was a fact of life. Thane had made it clear that he did not want to be mourned; he just wanted to make the most of what he had left.

Shepard, for her part, understood the feeling. She had spent the last 8 months living in a world filled with friends and nations mourning her, and it certainly wasn't what she wanted to leave in her wake. So, here they were - Kara finally grasping some semblance of life back; Thane gathering the last that he could. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of cactus blossom and soil in the hot, dry air, before closing her eyes against the bright sun.

* * *

The days passed in an almost dream-like haze, either from indulging afternoons spent with a pleasantly mild buzz from sharing wine as they talked, making sensuously gentle love under a sky painted in the brilliant hues of red and orange of sunset, or as she and Thane aimlessly explored the desert around them. They alternated between hiking the small mountains nearby and making their way through the shrubby cactus landscape around their adobe 'cabin'. They shared their delight in the life that flourished- if you were observant - in the harsh climate surrounding them; watching rabbits scatter through the brush at their approach, the woodpeckers carving nests into the tall saguaro cacti, the occasional lone coyote wandering a dry riverbed, and the buzz of summer Cicada - insects that swarmed invisibly in the craggy mesquite trees which dotted the landscape. Shepard was thankful they were invisible as their buzz filled her ears in the late afternoons. That way they didn't give her flashbacks of the collector swarms. Thane still took the time to mediate, but he did less of that than he had on Normandy, as he had resolved to take in as much life since his awakening as possible.

Those moments when he meditated mainly came when Shepard either took moments for herself, like swimming, which would have irritated Thane's lungs, or as she worked at coordinating the Normandy's activities from afar. Thankfully, her Spectre status meant that the Illusive Man's legal case against her for stolen property was moot. Still, she had a crew of people that needed a paycheck, and a force to build both of which required money. She had decided to send the Normandy on mining projects, to fund their activities, as Mordin and Miranda analyzed the data they had pulled from the Collector base. And she had divvied her Spectre paycheck amongst herself and the rest of the crew. When divided, it wasn't a lot, but many of her core squad hadn't, of course, had a real income in quite some time - if at all. Her Alliance marine-mandated life insurance had been used, after her death, to build a monument on Mindoir, since she had no surviving relatives. Rather than pull funding from honoring those fallen and abducted people, her family included, she chose to not recoup that.

Shepard wrung the water from her hair as she stepped out of the lake, the hot dry air quickly wicking the moisture from her exposed skin. She settled down onto a towel next to Thane, waiting patiently as he came to a proper conclusion to his meditation. His breathing had gotten better for the first couple weeks, but soon the rattling in his had chest returned and had became drastically worse. She sighed.

Thane blinked at the sound and turned to face Shepard. "What is wrong, Siha?"

She tucked her damp hair behind her ears. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just..."

He nodded. "My illness. It has begun to make meditation.... challenging."

She took one of his hands in hers, staring across the glittering water nearby, rather than meeting his eyes. "It's all happening too fast. We were **supposed** to have more time. It wasn't supposed to be like this..."

Thane gently cupped her face with his free hand. "There's not **supposed **to **be** anything. This has been a good day. We have had many of them. If we are blessed, we'll have another. We must be grateful for what the universe gives us. And not spend time wishing for what we cannot change."

She nuzzled into his hand a moment before meeting his eyes. "Why are you taking this so much better than me?" she asked softly.

"Because, Siha, this is the final chapter of my story. You will go on, and I will leave you, and you must go on to complete your story. And that is not fair, because when my soul returns to Svar I will take you with me and live forever together in the time we have now." He pulled himself upright, helping Kara stand as well. "Now, if I may be selfish, perhaps we can go make a few more moments that I may take with me." He smirked almost devilishly.

She smiled gently, snaking an arm around his waist. "Oh, I think I can make that sacrifice..."

* * *

**Next Time:** Their final days together continue, and Thane helps Shepard realize a few things about her own life.


	9. Sugato

**A/N:** I've tried to strike a balance between too dramatic and too light. Hopefully it doesn't seem out of character. Tell me what you think! :) "Sugato" is a Buddhist term for "Going (or gone) to a good destination. Also an epithet for the Buddha."

**Reviews Response:_ Lawliet's Shinigami_ &**_** kiwibliss**:_ Yeah, pretty much, and I hope so if you read this next chapter. Only as trying to throw a little wrench in the heart as a writer. (Oh, and PS Kiwi, hope you're continuing progress on "Fornax". Very funny!) **_Sasha Feine_**: Yes. Kaiden was a jerk, but... well, at least in my own experience we all make dumb mistakes in relationships occasionally. So, its not unreasonable, especially given the extraordinary circumstances of ME2, to cut him a bit of a break. Which is why (not to spoil anything) I'm trying to give Kaiden a bit of a graceful break in this fic.... eventually. Eh, you'll see... if you stick around that is!

* * *

**Chapter 9: Sugato**

_Shepard ,_

_I have enclosed medication for Thane's cough. I developed it over the last 72 hours by analyzing the last scans I took of his vascular system. Please keep him on a regimen of two injections daily. This shipment should last him another two months. If my calculations are correct, and there is no reason they should not be, it was relieve inflammation of the tissues, alleviating irritation of the lungs, throat, and diaxliar sac. Unfortunetly, it will not slow the progress of his syndrome, as oxegen absorbtion will still be hindered, but it should make him much more comfortable. Side effects may include suseptibility to bruising, depressed heart rate, and involountary frill inflation. If this lasts more than four hours, please contact me immediately. I have also taken the liberty of including a few select earth compositions which I became familiar with in my theatrical days. Music has been shown to offer positive theraputic effects in all intelligent species. I thought you may enjoy them in your current setting._

_- Dr. Mordin Solus; SSV Normandy_

* * *

Shepard was struck once again at how verbous Mordin was in writing, in contrast to his manner of speech, which she could only guess was because typing required him to slow down his thought process to that of a normal senient being. She closed out his message and pulled a small data stick from the package on her lap and stuck it in her portable terminal. Her eyes quickly scanned the file names. "West Side Story", "The King and I", "Meet Me in St. Louis", "South Pacific" - the list went on and on. She looked quizzically at it for a moment before realizing it was a selection of various Earth musicals, all set in one exotic location or another. She wasn't sure what they had to do with their "current setting", unless he meant Earth, but she smiled nonethless when they all turned out to be selections of one romantic ballad or another. That Salarian seemed to be quite the romantic, for a member of a species that only mated contractually. Coming from anyone else, the offering may have come off a little weird, but Mordin's interest in she and Thane had always seemed clinically professional, and this seemed to be just another case of Mordin being, well... Mordinesque.

She turned to the rest of the package's contents and pulled out a sleeve of the small, carefully packed purple vials, and the accompanying micro jet-injector to administer it. Luckily, Shepard had been trained in the use of the painless hypo-injector as part of her basic N7 first aid field training. Jet-injectors were rarely necessary - what with medi-gel - but still came in handy if a soldier should find themselves unlucky enough to encounter a viral outbreak. She sighed as she gently placed the equipment on the table beside her, careful to be quiet so as to not wake Thane. She spun her desk chair around to face their bed, where Thane was still sleeping. The military life had long since erased any tendency in Shepard to sleep in, but Thane had always been the first to rise, at first light, when they had arrived two months before. In the past week though, he had been sleeping later and later. She glanced at the clock beside the bed. 8:30am. Although he didn't complain, she could tell the coughing, along with the constant oxygen deprivation which was causing it, was exhausting him.

She watched the shifting folds of the blanket draped over his chest as it moved quickly up and down with his rapid, shallow breathing. She and Thane usually only mentioned his illness in passing, preferring to focus on the now, but Shepard knew that he must be forcing the controlled deep breaths he took when awake, because it was so shallow and gasping as he slept. This was not the normal relaxed breathing of a deep sleep. She wasn't sure when it had started; only that she had first seen it when she had gotten up for a glass of water in the middle of the night a month into their time here. Even his sleep wasn't really rest anymore, she realized. She felt her eyes mist up and let herself indulge in sadness for a few moments as he slept before blinking back the tears. He didn't want pity. And she knew what was coming.... what she had gotten herself into as the inevitable conclusion got closer every day. She turned back to consider the vials again. _"Still, that doesn't mean he has to be uncomfortable,"_ she thought.

_

* * *

_A gust of hot dry air struck Shepard in the face, like sticking her head in an oven, as she stepped from their air conditioned dwelling into the outside. She elbowed the sliding door shut, careful not to tip over the tray she was carrying. Chimes tinkled gently in the wind, lending a tranquility to the desert's silence. She squinted as her eyes adjusted to the harsh brightness of high noon, before crossing the patio to where Thane was lounging in a chair, working at a game of Kuto-Kas, a Volus numbers puzzle, on his data pad. She placed the tray down on the end table next to him. "That time already?" asked Thane as he shut off the pad and sat up.

"'Fraid so. Hopefully you can choke down another meal of my cooking," she replied wryly.

"I'll do my best." Thane plucked a morsel from the plate nearest him and popped it in his mouth. He chewed, swallowed, and licked the tips of a couple fingers to clean up the tasty residue before taking another piece and holding it up. "I would never have guessed you'd never tasted one of these by how wonderfully you prepare them. You really should try one."

Shepard made a face. "No, thanks. Really... bugs aren't my thing. I can follow a recipe, but that's as far as I'm going with it." Having descended from reptiles, the Drell considered land insects a delicacy, especially since they were rare and expensive on the watery planet of Kahje. They were, of course, ridiculously abundant on Earth and, after looking up recipes on the net, Shepard had started preparing a variety of each every day for him.

Thane shrugged, popping the fried grasshopper into his mouth. "The brave Commander Shepard, who can take down the Collectors without hesitation, is afraid of a harmless insect?" he teased between crunches.

"What can I say? You know the whole bad ass thing is just an act to get discounts from Citadel shops. I think I'll just stick with my soup and salad. First though..." She picked up the vial and injector which were also on the tray. This time it was Thane's turn to pull a face. She smirked. "The legendary assassin afraid of a little needle-less injection?"

The left corner of Thane's mouth crooked up in a hint of a smirk. "Indeed." He slipped off the airy white linen shirt to expose his shoulder as Shepard clicked a purple vial into the jet-injector. She still wasn't used to seeing him in such casual clothing - no clothing, sure - but the breezy loose-fitting clothes seemed odd on a man who had lived most his life in form-fitting leathers. "Dr. Solus was correct about some of the side-effects, but I think I may need to inform him of another more... disconcerting reaction."

Shepard placed the injector into Thane's shoulder and depressed the trigger. "The color changes?" she asked.

Thane nodded and absently rubbed the injection spot. "I didn't mention it before, but if he makes this treatment available to others of my species it may be an issue. You see, red tinting along the neck and cheeks signify a desire to... mate."

Shepard's face took on an expression half made of amusement, half of mock-hurt as she settled into the wicker chair beside Thane. "You mean you don't want to?"

Thane smiled. "That is not what I meant. Unless Cerberus made more modifications than I am aware of, I'm afraid you could never elicit that particular response from me. Its only triggered by pheromones emitted by Drell females."

Shepard slurped a spoonful of tomato soup from the bowl resting in her lap and nodded. "So, what you're getting at is that walking around with a raging case of red-dewlap would be a bit embarrassing on the home world?"

"That's one way to put it," he replied with a smirk. "Though I think I will put it less colorfully when I contact Dr. Solus."

"Luckily for you, it's just you and me. And from a human perspective, its quite a beautiful."

Thane reached across the table and took her hand in his, giving it a squeeze. "Yes. I am quite lucky."

Shepard smiled warmly, meeting his gaze. "You're not the only one."

They finished their afternoon meal idly discussing the latest news to come across the net the activities of the Normandy and her crew.

* * *

It was another lazy Sunday - another lost day of an endless summer - as Thane and Shepard lounged at the small lake near their rental house. They had taken the short stroll here more as a way to stretch their legs and get out of the house. The meds had improved Thane's condition for about a month but progressively the coughing fits had returned, and he rarely felt up to moving about for long stretches of time, let alone anything approaching vigorous activity. She could tell he was struggling with feeling dependent on Shepard, not that he acted out. It was just his reluctancy to ask anything of her. _"You've already done more for me than I could ever have imagined,"_ he would say occasionally. So, she let him do any chores for himself that he could, even as watching him tire himself out tested the limits of her self-control. Which is why she had invited Thane to slip behind her on her seat and rub sunscreen into her back and shoulders a few moments ago. It made him feel useful, and of course, she couldn't have done it herself anyway. She never pandered to him.

Mordin had contacted them yesterday with the news that he and Dr. Chakwas were close to a refined version of the meds, but Kara wasn't sure it would come in time. She suppressed a sigh as she squirted a creamy white blob of sunscreen into the palm of her hand and began rubbing it into her bare legs while Thane covered her back. Gone was the patchwork of greenish-purple bruises that she had grown used to dotting her body since the endless dangerous missions she had engaged in since coming aboard the Normandy years ago. Despite the liberal use of sunscreen, her alabaster skin had taken on a light golden hue she hadn't seen since she'd been a teenager on Mindoir. Living in space, with limited time planet-side, even on leave, didn't lend itself to a tan.

Shepard closed her eyes as she melted under Thane's still-strong hands and unconsciously leaned into them as they massaged their way across her hips, then up the small of her back and under the strap of her bikini top, between her shoulder blades. She was feeling more invigorated and healthy than she could remember in a long time. Thane's methodical rhythm was broken for a moment as he huffed a bit and reality came back to bite her viciously. Here she was, feeling fully alive, with a vigor that belied even her relatively young still-29 years, and the man she loved was wasting away before her eyes. He was a good man whose life had mostly been a wasted away in the waking dream of an assassin and now his second chance was cut short by a disease caused by merely by having the audacity to breath the air around him.

It wasn't fair.

She grimaced, considering this. She would gladly give years of her own life to him, if such a thing were possible. But that was a fanciful idea, best left to cheesy Hollywood vids; not worth even a daydream of consideration. No, this was real life, and experience had long since taught her that life was rarely fair. It wasn't fair that she had fallen for this unlikely gentleman, but she wouldn't take back a day of it. Still, _"Why can't just one thing be easy?"_ she thought.

Thane was wracked by a more violent coughing fit and braced himself against her with his hand on her shoulder. Moments passed before his raspy breathing was back under control. "I'm sorry."

She could hear the scrunch in his brow without seeing his face and placed her left hand over the one on her shoulder. "No worries," she said warmly. "Now, are you going to finish before I get a sunburn? We don't all have protective scales, y'know," she teased to lighten the mood. They had taken to such exchanges as Thane's condition had deteriorated - not to ignore reality, but to not allow it to leave a pall over the days that they had left.

She felt his hand relax under hers before pulling it away. "Aye Aye, Commander," he replied in an exaggerated faux military seriousness and resumed work on the back of her shoulders. They continued this way for a few minutes before Thane seemed to finish the job and his hands slid from the tops of her shoulders, down the sides of her arms, coming to rest on the tops of her forearms. He leaned forward and she could feel his breath, cool and moist relative to desert air, on her right ear. "Siha, I have a request to make of you," he said quietly.

Shepard pulled herself around on the chair to face him, her legs now draped over his, coming to dangle behind the chair back. She rested her hands lightly on his hips and looked at him expectantly. He lowered his eyes for a moment, avoiding her gaze. "It is... difficult to ask, as you know."

She put a finger under his chin, lifting his face to look into the black pool of his eyes. "Hey - you don't owe me anything. You know that."

He nodded and did not lower his head when she dropped her hand back down to his waist. "Of course. But what I would ask of you may take to the end of my days." Shepard cocked her head to the side in curiosity. "I would like to share my memories with you. All of them."

Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I'm not an Asari, Thane. I can't do the impossible. If I could, I would, but..."

He shook his head. "No, I do not mean that literally. I just wish to... share them with you - my life with you - in a way time will allow me. I have found myself dwelling, more than meditating, these days. And I am ashamed to say that I have found the courage of my convictions fleeting as I feel my body... fail me. If my memories can live on just a little longer in you, carried by you in this world, perhaps what I have learned will not go to waste. In case there is no..." he trailed off not wishing to finish the thought.

She met his eyes, feeling the landscape of his emotions beamed into her from them, and brought a hand up to cup his cheek. "Of course. I'd be honored." She suddenly saw a movement of bright color in the monorchromly russet desert behind him and slid back off of his lap. He paused a moment unsure of what her movement meant. She left her hands on his knees reassuringly. "I think I know someone else who might be interested..." A figure stepped up behind Thane and his infallible memory recognized the footsteps, even before he turned around.

"Kolyat..." he said quietly.

"Father."

Thane pulled himself up off the lounge chair and turned quickly to face his son. He regarded Kolyat, blinking several times, unsure of the appropriate response. Kara Shepard stood between the two and put a hand on either man's shoulders before gently pushing each towards the other. Both relented under her gentle but insistent guidance and stepped closer, finally mutually opening their arms and embracing one another. She stepped back to give them their space and they soon sat down on the pair of chairs that she and Thane had shared for many an afternoon, before finally retreating into the lake. She did lap after lap across the water to get in a much needed work out while father and son engaged in what was probably another awkward conversation. By the time she had exhausted herself, what she guessed was about an hour, and emerged from the water, Thane and Kolyat's body language was relaxed as they had settled into some sort of mutual exchange.

She pulled a towel, as hot and crisp as if it had just come out of a dryer, across her skin, water dripping from her hair onto the warm cloth. Shepard dried herself off until Thane and his son's conversation seemed to come to a comfortable conclusion, before she approached. They both sat back, seeming to invite her presence. "Would you two like to go back to cool off? Maybe some drinks?" It seemed like their business here was finished for the day; and indeed she was right as they both nodded in a father-son mirror of each other.

Later that night, as they had all retired to bed, Thane rolled over to face Kara, who was laying on her back, eyes only lightly closed. "You knew he was coming, didn't you?" he asked.

The shadows from the deep blackness of a rural midnight and a full moon lent a dramatic contrast to his face. Shepard rolled over on to her side, resting her head into the palm of her left hand. "I may have... persuaded him into coming for a visit to Earth," she replied in an almost sheepish tone. Not that she regretted it. "It _is _your birthday. I had your dossier, y'know. Or did you think I'd forget?"

He gently ran the fingers of his left hand through her hair. "Thank you." He settled back, facing the ceiling, folding his fingers between each other across his chest. He stared up through the darkness at the ceiling. "I would like to share what I can with my son and you both. But you know that Drell do not celebrated birthdays like humans, do you not?"

"Yeah. That doesn't mean I can't give you something anyway," she replied, smiling warmly through the darkness at his profile. He may not be facing her, but she knew he could see her expression, implied by the gentle smile that graced his own lips.

"I suppose not." They settled into a contented sleep that night, both by the sing-song chirp of crickets and the presence of each other; arms wrapped around the other.

* * *

**Next Time: **_You all know what's coming, yes? I'm afraid we're there in the next chapter...._


	10. Elegy

**Author's Notes**: Again, thanks to the reviewers - you feed the update machine with your feedback! So - there's a dialogue option in the game in which Thane says that he's never talked about his life to anyone, and Shepard offers to listen whenever he felt like sharing, so I thought it would be interesting to explore that. As it turns out, I couldn't find a good place to break this section that would allow the story as a whole to flow like I wanted so instead you get a looong chapter. Hopefully the pacing works and its an enjoyable long and not a tedious long. :) And I'm afraid I couldn't help myself paraphrasing a line from Forrest Gump in this chapter. A cookie to those that spot it! I just couldn't help myself. And yes, everything in here is the real treatment for deteriorating lungs. Anyway, on with the show!

* * *

**Chapter 10: **Elegy

"Father... I never told you what, when I was small, I wanted to be when I was grown."

Thane's eyes glossed over. "_Tiny hands hold a wrinkled paper. Pink blob of ink. 'Daddy, look! Me!' he squeals_." He blinked a few times before coming back to the present and a warm smile crept across his face. "A Hanar," he answered, his voice a low hum. Shepard smirked to herself, as she couldn't help listening to the conversation, while she reviewed mining results from the nearby couch. It had been two days since Kolyat's arrival and while the two were still trying to figure out how to relate to each other, their previous correspondence seemed to have mellowed much of Kolyat's bitterness. He still had questions, but getting to see his father as a man, as Thane recounted his life, and not just as the father who abandoned him and his mom was helping.

Kolyat rolled his eyes. "No, I mean what I _really_ wanted to be."

Thane tented his fingers in front of himself, elbows on the table. "Then no, I suppose you have not."

The younger Drell rubbed the back of his neck. "Back, before I decided to... leave the homeworld," he couched the reason why; they all knew. "I wanted to be a writer."

Thane nodded. "Ah, yes. You always did have quite the imagination."

Kolyat shrugged. "Anyway... I've been thinking...." he hesitated, obviously suddenly unsure if he wanted to ask this.

"Go on," prompted Thane, resting a hand on his son's shoulder. Koylat cleared his throat. "I know a good story when I hear one. And I thought that, if you don't mind, that I might write an account. A record of everything you've been telling us."

Thane let out a slightly wheezed grunt of a laugh and raised an eye-ridge, which prompted an automatic defensive response from Kolyat. "Look, if you think its a stupid idea then-"

Thane raised a hand, cutting him off mid-sentence. "No, no. I did not mean..." he began gently. "I suppose I just never considered my life worthy of a biography. There is... so much I am ashamed of. But if you want to... I think I would like that."

* * *

The days and weeks passed with much the same rhythm. Only now, Kolyat and Shepard followed Thane as witnesses through his life during every activity they did. Shepard was with him, while cleaning dishes, the night his childish feet padded across the cold stone floor, sneaking into his parent's bed after a bad dream. They peeled vegetables for dinner as he saw his parent's faces for the last time. As they shrunk smaller and smaller in the distance through the foggy window of a transport vehicle; his mother's face streaked with tears, utterly inconsolable as she gave up her 6 year old son to the Hanar, to become an assassin - as was part of the Compact between their species. Kara and Kolyat watched a million brilliant colors dance over distant mountains as the sun set, as they laid with Thane on his cot when her spent night after night spent with rainstorms masking the sounds of his crying. They watched candlelight flicker in the inky pool of his eyes, as he talked late into the night, of his 12th birthday, the day he hid among the bags of moist, rotting, refuse in a garbage truck which took him into the militia compound where he would take his first life. The day he first fell into his battle sleep.

He had to take breaks more frequently as time went on, but his voice never failed him, and when he was speaking Shepard sometimes, in the evening hours, found herself lulled into a dream-like state by the hypnotic hum of his voice, and could almost see the pictures painted by Thane's words before her eyes. It was particularly so one evening, after they had finished dinner, and he reached the day that he found himself outside of a Drell temple. "I do not know what compelled me to go in that day. I had passed many temples in Old Town before. But something - the Goddess - spoke to me that day."

Shepard leaned forward. She had wondered how the assassin had turned into a man of deep faith. "I knew nothing of the old ways at the time. Most of my people subscribe to the Hanar or Asari philosophies. But there was never such a presence in my life as the Hanar raised me to be a tool. They did not believe spiritual education necessary. The closest I had was a modest pendant, a symbol, my mother wore around her neck. As a child I did not know what it meant, nor did I think to ask. But I saw it again that day when I took my first steps into the temple. As it turns out, it was a temple dedicated to the service of Arashu."

"The Goddess of protection, and... motherhood, right?" asked Shepard. She had taken it upon herself to familiarize herself with the Drell belief system. There was not much information about it on the nets, aside from a basic outline of the tenets of their beliefs, and a list of major Gods and Goddesses, but she had taken in what she could. It reminded her, in many ways, of the ancient Earth religion of Taoism in Japan, with minor Gods everywhere, each one to be prayed to for a different purpose the adherent might need.

"Yes," Thane nodded, seemingly pleased by the interest Shepard had shown in his faith. "I suppose they were employing dehumidifiers in the building, but at the time I was barely out of my teens, knowing only what the Hanar considered relevent to teach, having yet to have ever been offworld, and did not know of such things. That first breath was... intoxicating." He stiffened for a moment, eyes not focusing on anything in the room. "_The room glows with a golden light. Candles flicker. Warm. Dry. Crisp. Sweet scent of cedar incense - an aftertaste as it fills my lungs. Deep breath. Savored._" He held a hand to his chest in memory as he returned to the present. "There was a bowl of sand at the entrance, as well as a shallow recessed pit of it before the altar of Arashu. The monk must have noticed my confusion when I entered, as he soon approached me, and explained how it worked."

"How is that?" asked Shepard. Rituals were something glossed over in the few sources she had found that mentioned them at all.

"The monks strive to maintain pieces of our original home world, as they are symbols of where we and the Gods came from. That is why they keep the temples warm and dry as possible. The sand was salvaged from the old home centuries ago. It is rubbed on one's hands and feet as a way to cleanse oneself before presenting themselves to the Goddess. Without purity of body there cannot be purity of purpose when in her presence."

Shepard nodded, as did Kolyat. Having been raised by his mother's parents, who were not followers of any faith, he too knew little of his species' traditional faith. "The monk did not talk much with me that day, but I found myself drawn back whenever I had the chance, and he eventually took me under his wing. I would ask questions, and he would do his best to teach me about all the Goddesses, or guide me to my own answers for other questions. He taught me to meditate. And I would leave donations when I could. For a long time, I knew peace only when I was in that temple. I longed desperately to leave the assasin's trade and become a monk outside the harsh, corrupt world I knew. But the Hanar would not let me out of my Compact. And the consequences of leaving before being excused are... unpleasant to say the least. Not just for myself; even if I had made it living a life on the run, my family would suffer in my stead. So, since I could not join the temple, I resolved to take the temple with me. I studied any theological works I could get my hands on more voraciously than I had any subject in school. No matter what planet I found myself on after that, my faith was always in my heart and on my lips." Thane inhaled a shuddered sigh. "I think I am finished for the evening." He uncrossed his legs and pulled himself to his feet from mat he sat upon.

"Yyaaauh..." Shepard yawned deeply behind the back of her hand, blinking back the water it produced in her eyes. "Sorry, ugh. Yeah, that sounds like a wonderful idea." She unfolded her legs from beneath her and shrugged off the cashmere blanket which she had swaddled herself in for most of the evening, her skin prickling for a moment at the wave of cooler air which washed over her bare skin.

"Goodnight Shepard, Father," said Kolyat as he retreated to the extra room in the house.

"Sleep well, Son," returned Thane.

* * *

Later that night Shepard awoke with a start by the familiar sound of Thane's rapid, shallow breathing. Years in the field had made her a light sleeper, and the silence of the night desert only heightened whatever sounds pierced it. She rolled over on her side, doing her best to put the sound out of her mind and will herself back to sleep. It was a nightly occurrence now, one which she endeavored to not worry too much over. It was what it was, just a part of both their lives now.

She shut her eyes, pulling the covers up a little tighter around her shoulders, and willed her muscles to relax. She was soon dozing off again as Thane's wet breaths beat out a steady rhythm, until, suddenly, they ceased. Shepard's eyes immediately popped open at the abrupt silence. "Thane?" she asked quietly. Had he woken up? No answer. "Thane?" she asked again, a tint of urgency now in her voice. Again, silence, and the dark figure next to her did not stir even as she wrapped a hand on his shoulder.

The former assassin was also a notoriously light sleeper. Even in his current weakened state, speaking his name, touching him, should have caused him to stir. Her heart skipped a beat and she shot upright in bed, shaking his shoulder. Still no response. _"No, no, no..."_ her mind blared. "Wake up Thane," she pleaded, shaking him, "Wake up!"

She threw herself atop him, straddling his hips, and bent down, her ear to his mouth, and fought to hear any signs of breathing over the hammering in her chest. She drew in a breath, holding it, like she had so many times while lining up a shot in the sights of her sniper rifle.

Nothing. Another flare of panic flared up from her stomach and only through a reflex honed over years of battle was she able to push it back down almost instantly. She cupped a hand under his nose, again, hoping for any signs of breath. Seconds passed. Still nothing. "_Shit! Fucking shit!" _cried a voice in the back of her mind, but she wouldn't let that voice overwhelm her. Kara's hand flitted across Thane's body vainly searching for a pulse when she realized suddenly that she had no idea where to find one on a Drell. A moment of complete helplessness washed over Shepard as she cursed herself for never thinking to find that out, before a memory came unbidden to her. _Lying in the blue glow of her cabin on the SR2, Thane's arms wrapped around her, one arm flung across his chest, her head resting on his chest. The steady, strong beat of his heart thrummed in her ear._

She flung herself down now, her ear against his chest, and immediately, the hearbeat was there. It was weaker than the one in her memory, but it was there.

Shepard flung herself into action, opening his mouth, and pinching his nose shut, she took a deep breath, crushed her mouth over his, and sent breath after breath into his lungs. She paused after doing this a couple times to check if he was breathing. Still nothing. Again, she breathed into his mouth and could feel his lungs expand with each puff from her own. A second time. A third. On the fourth his body shuddered under hers with a rattling deep breath, quickly followed by a wracking cough which sent his body into spasms. Her heart leapt as the life came back into him, but only lasted the shortest of moments as she watched both sets of his eyelids pop open and his eyes roll back into his head. His lungs spasmed as they tried desperately to draw in another breath and his body slumped limp again as his eyes closed. She was about to resume mouth-to-mouth when she noticed that he was still breathing. It was labored and irregular, but he _was_ breathing.

Shepard pushed herself off of Thane's unconscious frame, her bare feet landing with a slap on the hardwood floor, and she took off at a run across the house to the spare room. She flung the door open. "Kolyat!" The young Drell sat up with a start. "Get up! Help me!" The young man looked at her with groggy confusion. "Now!" she barked in the commanding voice she had not used in months.

That seemed to get through and sudden realization splashed across his face regarding what this could be about. "Father?"

"Needs our help. There's no time!" she answered as she gripped the front of his shirt, hauling him to his feet. "C'mon!"

The pair rushed back to the other bedroom and Shepard was relieved to see Thane still breathing. She affixed her omnitool, an unconscious habit, as her mind quickly sorted through her options. She slid him to the edge of the bed and pulled him into a sitting position. His head lolled against her neck as she threaded her arms under his armpits from behind. "Get his feet," she instructed Kolyat, who obeyed instantly. They quickly made their way outside and loaded Thane into the back seat of vehicle the pair had rented for the rare trips they made into town for groceries and other supplies. She climbed in behind him, wedging herself in the space between the seats that Thane lay sprawled across and the back of the front seats. "Drive!" she ordered, and swung the door shut. Kolyat climbed into the driver's seat and punched the button to start the engine. Wheels spun out as his foot slammed onto the peddle, sending a plume of dust into the air before they got traction and they shot down the road.

Shepard inwardly thanked what some called her 'obsessive' need for tactical preparedness as she directed Kolyat how to get to the nearest hospital. Her proclivity for preparing for any foreseeable eventuality had sometimes driven those under her command to endless frustration, but it had saved her ass more times than she could count, which is why she had scouted out the best route to a hospital the day after their arrival.

It may have been the quickest route, but it was still the longest 30 minutes of Shepard's life. Her attention flitted between checking on Thane's breathing to punching into her omni-tool looking for somebody who could help her. She tried contacting Dr. Chakwas directly first, but since the Normandy was in night-mode too, she was probably asleep. Then Mordin, with the same result. She looked back at Thane. One breath. Another. Then a pause. A pause which lasted too long. She resumed mouth-to-mouth and Thane's breathing quickly returned, with another sputter, this time coughing up foamy blood-flecked spittle which settled at the corners of his mouth. She cupped a hand under his chin and wiped away the undignified foam gently with her thumb. "Turn left up here," she told Kolyat before turning back to her omnitool, punching furiously at it, her eyes flitting between it and Thane's unconscious form. Finally, she was connected with EDI, whom she told to wake the doctor and have her patched through immediately.

Minutes continued to pass by at a glacier's pace as she waited, her eyes fluctuating from watching every movement of Thane's form to glancing back through the windshield to make sure they were still on the right route. She realized suddenly that she had dug her short nails into the tops of her thighs, she was gripping them so intensely, and forced herself to release them, leaving sharp red marks behind. Finally, the familiar voice of Dr. Chakwas crackled over the small speaker of her omnitool. "What's the matter, Shepard?" her voice was calm, but concerned. She knew as well as anyone else that being woken in the middle of the night never meant good news.

"He stopped breathing," she answered quickly, her voice taking the same tone it had countless times in the heat of battle as she radioed Joker for an ETA, or for a squad member's status.

Chakwas didn't need to be told who 'he' was. "Have you administered CPR?"

Shepard nodded despite the lack of a holo image. "Just mouth-to-mouth. His heart is still fine. He's breathing now - but I don't know for how long. We're on our way to a hospital."

"Any other symptoms?"

"Uh, yes," her eyes quickly flitted over Thane's form double checking to make sure she didn't miss even the minutest detail. "He's coughing up a little blood in a clear fluid. His breathing sounds... I dunno, watery? Oh! And his feet... I can't see his ankles, I think they're swollen. Is that relevant?"

"I see," the Doctor paused and an irrational fear that the signal had been lost stung at Kara's mind for a moment, before the doctor continued. "I can't give you a true diagnosis without examining him, but from what I'm reading here I would suggest you have the hospital get an MCAT3 scan of his chest. I suspect that his disease has progressed to the point that pressure on his alveoli has caused his lungs to fill with fluid. Is he in a seated position?"

Without answering Shepard grabbed Thane by the torso, careful to guide his head up along as well, so it didn't bend in a manner which would cause injury. The move was awkward due to the contorted position she found herself in, in the vehicle's cab, but as he shifted upright she slid in next to him with a final grunt. "He is now," she answered finally.

"Good," answered Chakwas. "Keep him upright as much as possible. I'm afraid you've done all you can without real equipment."

"Thank you Doctor," answered Shepard, her eyes not leaving Thane's form. Now that he was sitting up, his breathing instantly seemed a little less labored. "Really."

A pause on the other end. "Godspeed, Commander. You and Mr. Krios both."

"Is this it?!" asked Kolyat suddenly. The stun of being awoken to his unconscious father had worn off and was replaced by panic as he found himself dealing with real death for the first time in his life.

Shepard glanced up. "Yeah. The one with the big red cross on the front." Kolyat drove up to the front of the large glass building, screeching to an abrupt stop under the bright glare of white lights which lit the overhang, blending with the glow emanating through the clear glass doors of the entrance. The young Drell scrambled out of the vehicle to the rear door on Thane's side and flung it open. He looked at Shepard, his eyes clearly searching her's for direction. "Well, go ahead - grab him, we need to get him inside!" Kolyat did as he was told and Shepard took up Thane's legs, her arms wrapped under his knees. The glass doors opened with an urgent whoosh that matched their own mood and they quickly made their way to the front desk where a small man of indeterminate middle age sat.

"We have an emergency," Shepard announced abruptly.

The desk attendant didn't even bother to glance up from his work terminal. "Have a seat over there, fill this out." He dropped a datapad on the desk ledge.

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you didn't hear me," she said calmly before suddenly bringing her fist down, landing next to the attendant's terminal, which caused a ripple of distortion in the holo display. "We have a goddamned emergency!" she growled.

Startled, the attendant nearly fell out of his chair. "Ok, ok, just relax. Look, it's dead around here – pardon the pun," at Shepard's glare he threw up his hands. "Whoa, sorry, I just mean - it's not busy. I'll go grab an ER doc. But they'll still need the medical info in the datapad on your friend here. Especially since he's, y'know, an _alien_." He quickly retreated as Shepard ground her teeth, biting back a swath of words for the little man. Being forceful was one thing. Getting too far on anyone's bad side around here wouldn't do Thane any good.

She and Kolyat lowered Thane into a nearby chair. "Keep him sitting up," she instructed and the young man did as he was told. She grabbed the datapad off the desktop, her fingers punching at it in frustration as she filled in the most basic of information on Thane. Name, Age, Reason for Admittance, Symptoms, and hit "Upload" after signing the bottom with her thumbprint. Moments later a tall, lanky man with a mop of curly brown hair rounded the corner. Only his attire, a set if lime-green scrubs and a white lab coat, gave the impression of a civilian doctor. Probably fresh out of med school. The desk attendant followed quickly on his heels.

The young doctor glanced at the pair of Drell sitting nearby before meeting Shepard's eyes. "I'm Dr. Landry, Miss..?"

"Shepard," answered Kara in a short tone.

Dr. Landry brought up his omni-tool. "I see here he's in pretty bad shape. Keplar's Syndrome?" Shepard nodded. "Drell disease... yeah, I remember something about it in my courses on alien pathology. Still... I think I should be honest with you. I don't know how much we can do here. This is Earth, we deal almost exclusively in humans. Aliens of any kind are a rarity, let alone a Drell, and this is a small community hospital. We don't have any alien-specialized equipment."

A small fiery ball of anger flared up inside her and burst forth in a raised voice. "He's got two arms, two legs, a head, and lungs. He's humanoid! _How_ different could it be?! You can _fucking_ do _something_!" Her fist landed in the palm of her other hand in emphasis.

"I will, of course, do anything I can," he answered calmly. The young doctor looked less than intimidated; more like he'd had to deal with hysterical loved ones plenty of times and another pushy woman was just another day for him. That was when Shepard realized that she was still wearing the clothes she'd gone to bed in, and while she cut a striking figure in uniform or armor, an unidentified woman in a tank top and yoga pants, in bare feet no less, was certainly less than intimidating. She switched tactics.

"Look, I can get you into contact with his attending physician if you need. But she told me it may be fluid in his lungs. That he needs an MCAT3 scan to confirm this."

Dr. Landry nodded, and his posture dropped it's defensiveness. "Contact with his physician would be helpful."

"I'll send the FTL comm information to your omni-tool. Just tell the... woman who answers that you need to speak with a Dr. Chakwas, on the authority of Commander Shepard."

The young doctor raised an eyebrow at the instructions, but if he knew who she was he didn't let on. "I see. In the meantime, if he's stable I'll still need to start with a basic exam before any advanced scans." He turned to a woman who was now chatting with the desk attendant and addressed her briskly. "Nurse, get an intake team together. I'll need an oxygen tank in addition to stat kit. Hustle!" As the nurse took off around the corner, the doctor turned back to Shepard. "We'll do everything we can. Now... Commander, is it? I'm going to need you to wait here."

She didn't like it, but she wasn't surprised. This was a civilian facility, and even though with a little effort, she could probably pull her Spectre status to gain entry, the logical part of her brain told her she'd just get in the way. Like a civilian in the middle of a firefight. So, she just nodded. A team of 4 nurses appeared, wheeling a stretcher into the waiting area and quickly hoisted Thane onto the wheeled bed. "He needs to stay sitting up!" she said urgently as they lay him down. The team of nurses looked at the doctor who considered this a moment and nodded in confirmation. They folded the back of the stretcher up into a 45 degree angle and Kara gave Thane's hand a tight lingering squeeze before they wheeled him back into the emergency room.

"He can't die now. Not just when we... Not when I..." she heard Kolyat mutter desperately behind her. Her eyes followed Thane as he disappeared down the hall and through a set of opaque glass doors.

* * *

Kara Shepard turned on her boot heel, flipping herself in the opposite direction as she paced up and down the row of seats. It had been 3 hours, and Kolyat had just returned from a trip back to the house where he a retrieved a set of clothes for himself and Shepard. She had given him the task to as a way to make him feel useful when she saw him fall into an eidetic memory for what felt like the hundredth time. The result of what he brought back meant she was clad in a strange combination of her combat boots, a pair of loose white linen slacks, and the black under-tank to her casual uniform, which she hadn't worn since the day she'd arrived on Earth. But it was serviceable, and better than walking around in her pajamas. She reached the end of the row and paused, running a hand tiredly down her face, letting her shoulders sag. _"Where's someone to give me a job to do?_" she thought to herself, tiredly.

* * *

Shepard glanced at the clock which hung above the door of Thane's recovery room. 0900 hours. I had been over 6 hours and 4 cups of coffee since she brought him into the hospital, and only an hour since she had been allowed to see him. The nurse had told her that he was stabilized after having his lungs drained of the fluid which had threatened to drown him from the inside out. "We don't know how long until he wakes up, but he's a fighter, ma'am," she had told Kara softly.

She didn't need to be told that. She'd known that from the first day they'd met. Kolyat lay slumped, asleep in a chair in the opposite side of the room, finally drained from the nervous energy that had kept him awake in the waiting room. Shepard studied Thane's face. It would have looked like he was merely sleeping peacefully, more so than he had in over a month, if it weren't for the oxygen mask strapped over his nose and mouth. She took one of Thane's limp hands, folding her five fingers between his four. They were reassuringly warm, unlike the clammy pallor which had griped them during the journey to the hospital earlier. She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.

He stirred at the touch, his eyelids fluttering a moment before tiredly sliding open. A deep groan rumbled in his throat before he turned his head and met her eyes. "Siha..." he whispered in a hoarse voice. A broad smile broke across her face, which he returned weakly through the plastic mask. It didn't take long for him to take in his surroundings and the smile was replaced by a look of mild confusion. "Something happened." It wasn't a question.

She swallowed the rising lump in her throat and nodded. "You're going to be okay, though. It was just fluid in your lungs. The doctors drained it."

His features formed themselves into one of quiet contemplation. "For how long, though?"

Shepard shook her head despite herself. But she knew as well as he the reality. "They don't know."

Thane shifted back and forth a couple of times to bring himself into a fully upright sitting position and regarded the slumbering form of his son in the corner. "So little time," he said absently. "But I will not leave until I am finished. For Kolyat's sake. And yours," he said, turning back to her.

"Me?" she asked, surprised.

"When the time comes, I'll tell you."

Kara smiled gently. "Mysterious to the end, hm, shadow man?" she teased.

"Old habits die hard. If anyone knows that, its you, " he answered in mock solemnity before resting his head back onto the pillows. "I hope you didn't scare the staff too badly when you hauled me in here..." he said drowsily and fell back to sleep before she could come up with any kind of retort.

Shepard sat back, running a hand through her hair, and let out a deep sigh. Even a short conversation with him had drained the tension built up over the past 6 hours. She stood up to make another trip to the coffee machine, intent on mainlining caffeine until Thane's discharge. Her mind wandered as she made the familiar trip and found herself considering Kaidan despite herself. She frowned as their last moments together, on the Normandy, before she had died flashed through her mind. She couldn't imagine how hard it had been for him. They never had a chance to say goodbye... even to say the things every person held back, assuming there would be another day to let each little feeling out. Only through the most improbable of events had they gotten that possibility of a tomorrow, and when it had come on Horizon, neither had been prepared for it. She imagined what kind of war of words would have gone on in her own mind had she been in Kaidan's position, but she guessed that the torrent of words that had spilled from his mouth upon their reunion was the conclusion to that internal conversation of 2 years. She reminded herself again that she wasn't the only one hurt that day.

And she was suddenly doubly thankful that she and Thane had been granted that time. The universe was an inherently unfair place, but maybe she could be grateful for the small graces granted her. A beep as the liquid finished filling the cup she had ordered without realizing it and she pulled it to her nose, inhaling the stale aroma of a bad cup of coffee with a renewed sense of appreciation.

* * *

Thane had spent another 2 days in the hospital recuperating before being approved for release, Kara leaving his side only when he slept to retrieve a cup of coffee and the occasional bagel or piece of fruit from the commissary. She wasn't hungry, but knew she wasn't serving anyone by starving her own body. So, she chewed deliberately on a wedge of apple as she waited for them to wheel Thane out for discharge. An orderly soon arrived, pushing Thane in front of him in the wheelchair he had insisted unnecessary; though he had relented gracefully when told that it was hospital policy.

Dr. Landry approached as Thane was rolled up to Shepard, a data pad in his hand. He nodded at the pair. "Ok, I just need to go over this with you both before I can let you go, Mr. Krios. I recommend you sleep in a semi-upright position at night, and sleep with the oxygen tank. A restful state is the most likely time for fluid build-up, but you can minimize chances of interrupted respiration by following that procedure. I would also like you to stay on a regimen of daily diuretic supplements and nitroglycerin injections to encourage your body to dispel any excess fluid in the body. Along those lines, keep your sodium intake as low as possible."

"Noted, Doctor," answered Thane with a nod.

"Good. I'll be sending these instructions to Commander Shepard's omni-tool. Your son has already picked up the oxygen canisters and supplements. Do you have any questions?" Both Shepard and Thane shook their heads in the negative. "Alright. Well, have a good day then." With that he headed back into the main wing of the hospital to attend to his rounds.

Thane pulled himself out of the chair the second it's wheels crossed the hospital's threshold, causing Shepard to smile to herself as she opened the front passenger door for him. She would be happy to get out of her 3 day old clothes, but even happier to have Thane out of the hospital and to settle back into the what life they had left together.

* * *

The days passed as they had before the scare, aside from doctor's orders, which Shepard made sure were followed as if they were regs on her own ship. A vigor overtook Thane's recounting of his life once they returned, though he had a habit of glossing over the details of his assassination targets. Name, description, what he knew of their life, and a one or two word description of how he had ended their lives. Bullet. Poison. Slit throat. Broken neck. Nothing he wanted to remember, clearly. Kara had asked him about that one evening after Kolyat had gone to bed. "It's only honorable, as the only witness to the end of their lives, to honor it by remembering it. Sharing it," he had answered. "But it is not something I am proud of. Nor would sharing every gory detail be honorable... particularly for those that went... less than courageously. Even the worst of men deserve that much."

Thane was, on the other hand, absolutely ebullient when it came time to tell about his time with Irikah. Shepard had heard the story of how they met before, when she had just been getting to know Thane, but by the rapt attention Kolyat payed, she could tell he had never heard an account. It made sense, given how young he had been when she had died, and Thane's disappearance afterward.

The poet in Thane shined through as he spoke of their courtship. Days spent exploring the wonders that their homeworld had to offer, youthful afternoons laughing and sharing the depths of their souls, nights in each other's embrace, planning a life together. A part of Kara told her she should be jealous of the reverence and love that flowed through his words when he spoke of his time with Irikah, but it was simply was not there. Just as her own relationship with Kaidan, she knew it was a different relationship – a different kind of love. Not something to be threatened by. And she was happy that he had that in his life for a time. He recounted his impassioned plea to the Hanar Council of the Compact to be allowed release from his assassin's contract and shared in his joy at being allowed to marry Irikah.

She shared in the life that his son brought him upon his birth, watching him grow, the little moments described in intimate detail as he relived them through his perfect memory. And she grieved with him at Irikah's slaughter. It was a bright morning, the sounds of birds and a refreshing breeze in the air as he shared the feeling of the battle sleep overtake him again. But she could not feel the breeze any more than Thane, as his words carried her away in the sadness, and anger, that swept over him in those days. Days that turned into weeks, which turned into months, and finally years as he hunted down every last branch of the Batarian conspiracy responsible for her death. But it was when he got to the end of that line which truly broke her heart.

Unlike many targets in his past, this final one, the man whose vengeance had spurred his own, this one was personal. And so he had captured the Batarian crimelord, letting the darkness finally fully overtake him, and he had interrogated him. "It was as I plunged a knife into the Batarian's heart when I finally let the truth in. Irikah had died because of my actions. My past. I couldn't let the same happen to my son... to you, Kolyat." His eyes were glassy with tears barely held back. "But you were still hurt by my choices.... I am sorry," he said softly.

Kolyat, too, blinked back tears, but rose, despite them, crossing to where Thane sat and knelt down, embracing him, resting his head on his father's chest. "I understand, Father." They stayed locked in that embrace as the final barriers melted away.

"Thank you," Thane said, finally. They retired for the night, after that, and Shepard came to realize, truly, what this exercise meant for Thane. For them both. In the days that followed, Thane recounted all the endless contracts that he had taken on as a free agent, but there really was no life there, moving from job to job, putting all of his former world behind him, only letting his faith into his heart. It was like a bookend to where his life had already ended. Even his diagnosis with Kepral's Syndrome was merely another event, albeit one that spurred reflection upon his life, and a desire to do something good with the end of it. But it was only in the abstract. Until the fateful contract that had brought him to Commander Kara Shepard.

She had left Thane and Kolyat to themselves at this point, choosing to focus on her work and leave Thane to be able to tell this part of his memory without fear of her own opinion on his perspective interfering. Still, she couldn't help but notice that these talks went late into the night, long after he was usually too tired to speak, and she couldn't help but wonder what he spoke of.

She found herself worrying too, as he needed the oxygen mask more and more frequently as the days went on. She felt time rushing up on them, like an unstoppable torrent, and it frightened her more than she liked to admit. It was in one of these moments of contemplation, as she lay in bed, dark thoughts overtaking her, that Thane returned to their bedroom. She sat up in the shadows of early morning, glad of the distraction. He walked slowly now, but still was not robbed of the grace of his movements.

He sat down on the bed next to her. "I didn't wake you, did I?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, no. Couldn't sleep anyway. Thinking too much, I guess," she said, pulling a loose strand of hair behind her left ear.

A shaft of moonlight poured through their window and danced across the smooth scales of his skin, sparkling in the pools of his black eyes and highlighting the irises therein. His nose flared slightly as he inhaled a slow, carefully deep breath. "I have told all there is to say tonight."

Shepard ran a hand along his arm. "I'm glad you were able to finish what you needed to do," she said and kissed him gently on his right cheekbone.

"But I have not," he answered. At the quizzical look she gave him, he continued. "Even as I have struggled with my faith, I have seen you, Siha. You_ are _Siha, and I find my faith in this universe restored. You have allowed me to right many wrongs, perhaps even helping to find a treatment for my people. I see you, I hold you, and I know that I have already received my reward. Whatever else awaits is... more than I need."

She furrowed her brow at this. "Thane, I..."

He waved off her denial, and the obvious discomfort she felt at being deified by him. "You do not need to believe. And I do not worship you any more than any man does the woman he loves. I just want you to know what that means to _me. _And I would like to give you what I think you need. What few, if any, have given you."

"And that is...?" She was honestly befuddled.

"What you have given so freely. Someone to listen. You know my life. Now, I would like to know yours before I go."

Shepard paused to consider this. She wasn't sure if this was something she wanted. She was always happy to listen to others, but had built a guard up around herself, the first bricks of which were laid the day her family died on Mindoir, and built upon with the death of every comrade. She wasn't sure if it was that she could not deny a request of Thane's or if just maybe a part of her was truly ready to break down those walls, but finally she decided it didn't matter. "Okay... where do I begin?"

"Tell me about your parents," answered Thane.

Kara sighed, and leaned back into her pillow, staring at at the ceiling as she opened parts of her memory that she had long since shuttered off in the back of her mind. "Well... my mother's name was Katherine... my Father, Tom. They were both Earth born..." she continued on, telling him what she could remember or her early childhood, Thane asking her questions as she went along, before she drifted off into sleep mid-sentence. Thane shifted slightly, letting her head fall fully into the crook of his shoulder, her warm breath tickling against his neck, before reaching gingerly for his oxygen mask and settling in for some sleep of his own.

* * *

"I received medals for other much more harrowing missions later... Akuze, of course, but saving that little boy from that bastard of a slaver he had for a father... seeing the look on his mother's face she saw he was safe... I think that's the one I'm still the most proud of. I suppose that's why I still can't stop myself from helping someone when they ask for it. You never know..." She shrugged and wrapped her hands around the mug of tea in front of her and bent down to sip off the top. "Anyway," she finished, "that was my first real action as a marine. Not exactly what they train you in during boot camp," she laughed.

It was the late afternoon of her second day sharing her life with Thane, and, not having the flawless memory of a Drell the telling went much quicker. Still, she was surprised at how he could pull out recollections she didn't even know were there through the simplest of questions. She told him of her trials getting through the N-program, and the pride of achieving N-7. The horror of losing her squadmates on Akuze, and how it had cemented her resolve to stop that from ever happening again if she could help it. Of her first command and learning the lesson of balancing friendliness with discipline. And how she had never quite found the time for a real relationship in all of it, settling for casual ones which she could take or leave with the change of assignments.

"Only that's not entirely true," said Thane, his words muffled through his oxygen mask. He pulled it aside for a moment, letting it hang around his neck. "I could see it in you not long after we met. A missing piece. And the picture frame face down on your desk. He was the man you saw on Horizon that I heard murmurs of amongst the crew." His tone was not accusatory, but Shepard didn't meet his eyes. "He was there when you died."

She looked up. "How did you know?"

He raised an eye ridge. "Reading people was my job. I can't help it. I've seen the look in your eyes at times, when you're thinking. What is his name?"

She hesitated for a moment, uncomfortable with speaking about this with him. "Kaidan. Kaidan Alenko. He was my Staff Lieutenant on the first Normandy. He... we..."

"You love him," he finished for her.

"Yes – no – it's... it's not like with you," she started, not wanting him to get the wrong idea, and finding herself flustered, but he waved her off.

"It's okay. I still love Irikah."

"But she's gone... he's still out there. Maybe waiting for me..." she admitted.

"She is not dead up here," he tapped his temple, "or in here," he tapped his chest, over his heart. "I can be with her at any moment... but I cannot have any new moments with her. I don't know how I would feel if I suddenly found out she was out there somewhere. But I know that just as it is a different love between you and I, I'm sure it was different between you and he." Shepard nodded. "Tell me about the man who brought love to my lonely Siha."

Shepard paused, not sure what to say, before Thane, in his gentle way, loosened her tongue with a simple question. "How did you meet?" She told him about being assigned to the Normandy, Eden Prime, and being instated as a Spectre. How she came to rely on Kaidan as more than just a crewman, but as a friend, and as a port in the storm as the universe seemed to rail against her. And as she spoke of this aloud for the first time she realized why the man still tugged at her heart, even as it seemed filled by Thane. It was a different connection. The kind that Thane could not fill any more than Kaidan could touch those parts of her heart that Thane did. Which didn't make either any less special. She realized that she and Kaidan were very much like Thane and Irikah, in that while they were part of each other's past, they also very much haunted each other's present. Ghosts, floating on in memory, that they couldn't let go because of unfinished business.

The hum of Thane's voice filled her ears as she came out of her reverie. "I would like you to promise me something, Siha."

"What is it?" she asked, a little trepidaciously.

"I would like you to promise that you will do as you said you wrote in your letter to him. Go to him and find your peace. If your peace is to find happiness together, or find that it can no longer be had together, I would like you to have that, after I am gone. Don't wait for the end of the Reapers. There will always be reasons to put those things off. Promise me you will grab the happiness you deserve after I am gone; don't make the mistake I did for so many years after Irikah. I love you too much for you to not have that."

Shepard took his hands in hers, gripping them firmly, and swallowed. "You have my word."

"That gladdens my heart," he said with a smile. "Its all I can wish for you." He regarded her face serenely. "_This_ was the last of what I needed to do. The last of what I needed to leave in this world."

* * *

Shepard spent more time than she had thought she would talking about her life and the people in it. It had been mainly at Thane's insistence as his condition rapidly deteriorated. Each day was worse than the last and he was soon hooked up to an oxygen tank at all times, the mask replaced by two tubes that led a short way into his nose. He rarely spoke anymore, and by the rattling in his chest, Shepard could tell that the meds were fast losing the war with the accumulating fluid. Kolyat had begun to transcribe his father's account, by memory of course, to keep himself busy, occasionally running it by Thane to see if his father approved of his narrative approach.

Mordin had contacted them one day, suggesting a breathing machine, saying it was an "unideal solution, but may add months to longevity". Thane had rejected it outright, saying that quality of life was still priority over quantity, and being confined to a bed with a tube down his throat was not it. Shepard couldn't argue with that.

The sun was setting behind the blue mountains of the desert as dark clouds bunched in patches in the sky. They had learned over the past week that this was a sign that the daily afternoon monsoon shower would soon open up the sky, dumping rain into the thirsty desert life for around half an hour. Music drifted through the house, just loud enough to give some life to the room. Thane sat in the living room armchair, reading a data pad hooked up the extranet, while Shepard worked at her terminal, sifting through reports from the Normandy, trying to decide it's next destination. When the playlist shifted to it's next selection Thane looked up. "Could you turn this up? I enjoy this song." Shepard tapped a button on her display, increase the volume by a few degrees. "_Thank you_, Siha."

The melody of a slow, haunting rendition of "Que, Sara, Sara" filled the room as the volume increased. Shepard took a moment to ponder where Mordin had gotten such a melancholy version of the song, before deciding it certainly fit the weather outside, and focused back on her work. The singer's ruefully tremulous voice filled the room comfortably as it echoed against the hardwood floor.

"_Whatever will be, will be,_

_The futures not ours to see,_

_Que Sera, Sera..."_

A hint of a smile crossed Thane's lips as he laid his head back, the data pad dropping loosely from his hands onto his lap, and fell asleep.

* * *

Shepard stood next to Kolyat atop a hill overlooking the valley that she had become so familiar with over the past months, trying to relax the tightness in her throat before she spoke. "You died on a Sunday..." her voice trembled as she blinked back tears. "I hope you like this spot... I remember you saying you'd never seen a view like it before..."

"Thank you for saving me, Father... in more ways than one." A tear ran down Kolyat's cheek. "I'll make you proud."

"You'll always be in my heart," said Shepard before glancing at Kolyat. "Both our hearts." Kolyat merely nodded, not trusting his voice anymore.

"I love you," she whispered. Somehow, a eulogy didn't seem fitting. The past month, listening to him, as they sat it a kind of Drellish shiva, was all the honoring his life needed. She opened a modest black metal box containing Thane's ashes and released them into the wind in accordance with his wishes. He had said that his faith taught that once the body was separated from the soul it should be destroyed so as to not tether the soul to physical world. And he had decided that this desert was the place he would like them scattered. She watched as the black powder swirled and danced in the wind before finally dissipating into the ether. "May the winds speed you to the Goddesses," she intoned, and although she had been taught this was the proper invocation, the wish truly came from the depths of her heart.

How long the pair stood like that, silently grieving together, they did not know. Finally, they both felt in an unspoken way that the moment was right. Shepard pushed the tears from her eyes with the heel of her hand and turned to make her way back down the hill, Kolyat on her heels. She was stuck with the hard part now. The carrying on. It was time to get back to the only family she had left - those on the Normandy.

And to fulfill a promise.

* * *

**A/N 2:** For the curious, the cover of "Que, Sera, Sera" I am referencing can be found by going to youtube and searching for "Que Sera Sera" by Pink Martini. I recommend checking it out to get the full effect I was going for with Thane's death. Oh, and the story Shepard tells of how she got her first medal is a ME prequel fic also in progress right now. Much shorter than this one, though.

**Next Time: **_Shepard returns to the world, the Normandy, and Kaidan_


	11. Playing Atlas

**Author's Note: **Bit of a fluffy chapter, mostly just to set up the next stage of the journey. Bit of a departure from previous chapters in tone as well. Hopefully it works as a shift into a different stage as I intended. The lyrics (aside from ME references) of the song in this chapter are sampled from "Honour" by VNV Nation. Link to the song is in my profile if you're curious as to what I had in mind. In which case, I recc listening to it before reading that bit. Lyrics start at 1:20 for the impatient.

**Chapter 11: **Playing Atlas

After she and Kolyat had parted ways, Shepard had contacted the Normandy and set up a rendezvous in 3 days. The thought of jumping right back into business as usual, taking back up the mantle of the great Commander, was daunting in a way. She'd had months of just living as herself, the business of saving the universe relegated to simple paperwork and minor decisions. Now began the final push. She needed to ease herself back into the world of the living, of the struggles of everyday life, like slipping the first toe into a hot bath. She had chosen to do this by spending a few days in the nearest large city she could find. It was like any bustling human city, filled with people who went on their way, too busy with their own concerns to acknowledge those around them. Shepard found this afforded her a degree of anonymity she hadn't had in years, which she relished, like the final spoonfuls of ice cream scraped from the bottom of a bowl. And scraped she had, getting back to the business of living with the determination she put behind any mission in her career.

Shepard had found herself in the hotel bar the first night, nursing a few drinks as she let the energy of jubilant vacationers wash over her. She'd made pleasant small talk with the bartender, whose twisted sense of humor reminded her of Joker, which for reasons she couldn't quite put a finger on, gave her a small sense of comfort. She woke early the next morning, starting the day with a jog around a nearby park before the heat became overpowering, watching tiny sparrows hop, picking at the ground in search of whatever morsel they could scrounge up and scatter as her path approached theirs. After a shower, she slipped into a well worn pair of dark wash jeans, a comfortably stretchy white t-shirt, topped with a pair of sleek sunglasses, and set out to explore the city she found herself in.

She started by taking in a few destinations recommended by a visitor's guide on the extranet the first, a history museum, an air and space museum - places that normally would be right up her alley, but found the sterile silence to exactly what she _didn't _need at the moment. _'How is it that every mission I 'm on ends with a change of plans?' _she thought to herself, before deciding to move on to wherever she could find life bustling. After consulting with a few locals she was pleased to discover that a street fair, complete with greasy food and lively street performers was on for the weekend, and spent the remaining afternoon and early the next wandering amongst the crowd enjoying the jovial atmosphere. She also took the opportunity to browse the vendor's stalls, resolving to pick up small trinkets for each of her crew as a kind of 'thank you' for sticking with her.

A few baggies of various exotic spices would do for most of the crew, as anything new to the mess hall's kitchen was welcome. A small ebony ceramic cat for Yeoman Chambers. A Dreamcatcher for Samara. For Garrus, a mirror with a newspaper printed on the borders, with a headline proclaiming whomever looked into it to have been voted "Sexiest Man Alive". Goofy, yes, but she was sure he'd appreciate the joke. A pair of matching shot glasses with ridiculous peppers wearing sombreros painted on the side for Joker and Chakwas. A leather bound reproduction of Nietzsche's "Beyond Good and Evil" for Miranda, and Sun Tzu's "Art of War" for Grunt. She found a set of small handcrafted tools and bought a set for each of her tinkerers, Tali and Jacob… but Jack had her stumped. She wished Thane were here to help her with that one. If anyone could get into the mind of a troubled woman with the blood of too many lives on her hands, it was him.

* * *

Shepard settled on a high stool at a small round table near the back of the room, resting her now very full duffel bag on the chair opposite her. Street fairs didn't offer delivery for purchases, and her shoulder was the one who had to suffer for it. She'd found herself in a narrow neighborhood bar, populated by a diverse crowd, who sat companionably amongst each other in subdued conversations. "What are ya havin?" the meaty bald bartender called out to her. She scanned the bars tap. "The amber ale," she answered and he slid it in front of her in short order.

She absently sipped at the brown beverage, scanning the bar's patrons out of habit, noting a scraggly dressed kid who just barely passed for drinking age punch in a final selection on the digital jukebox before he settled back at the bar. The mellow rock music which had filled the bar was replaced by the synthetic beats of what to Shepard's ear sounded like 20th century heavy metal played out by electronic instruments. Turian pop music. She shook her head at the latest music craze amidst rebellious human youth, even as she found herself tapping a finger to the beat as she watched bubbles float to the top of the glass. Being typical of Turian music, she wasn't really listening to the lyrics, which almost exclusively focused on the glories of battle and honor, until suddenly, it called out to her. Literally.

_Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel!_

She nearly choked on the half-swallowed mouthful of beer in her throat, fighting to not spit it out, and only half succeeded by way of coughing. She felt eyes on her as she wiped her mouth with the back of her jacket's sleeve and quickly lowered her head, staring at the table, happy to let her auburn hair fall in front of her face. Hopefully, they were staring because she had just made a fool of herself and not because they'd suddenly realized who she was. She trained her ear on the music again, hoping that she had just misheard the droning growl of a voice.

_A nation that stands alone.  
Cold voices, faces pale,  
gathered unto their judgement day.  
Such pride remains unbroken.  
Such words remain unspoken. _

_Tears and medals in the rain._

_The all clear resounding.  
The way was clear to rebuild this land.  
Shall I call on you to guide me well?  
To see our hopes and dreams fulfilled?  
On this day of our ascension,  
on this day we praise the fallen!_

_Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel! _

_Made sure that Saren fell!_

_And she cried out, atop the brilliant rubble,_

"_Stand your ground this is what we are fighting for.  
For our spirit and laws and ways.  
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!_

_For heaven or hell we shall not wait!"_

Shepard groaned as she heard her name accompanied by some hackneyed false quote and buried her face in the palm of her left hand. And here she thought the Alliance recruiting vids were bad enough. How old was this song? She shook her head. '_Nevermind, I don't want to know,' _she thought to herself. Shepard chanced another glance about the bar, and seeing only a sidelong glance at her from the punk kid, she quickly chugged the rest of her beer before tapping in payment for the drink, and a generous tip, on her omnitool, grabbing her bag, and making a beeline for the door before someone else recognized her. The last thing she needed was a room full of Conrad Verners...

* * *

Outside, she hiked the strap of her duffel bag higher up her shoulder and sighed, scanning the passing crowds, envious of the simplicity of their lives. The pressure of the universe didn't sit on their shoulders. No, not envious, she corrected herself. She loved her work; the sense of accomplishment and purpose it gave her. And even if she could somehow magically pass on the fight against the Reapers to someone else, she wouldn't. Still, the pressure and loss wore on her at times. Playing Atlas and holding up the world tired even the strongest, eventually, and she needed a shoulder to lean on just as much as anyone else, sometimes. She had just lost one, Thane, and wasn't sure if she would get the other back. For now it was about learning to live again, perhaps to dream again. She pushed the thought out of her mind and glanced at her watch. 3 hours to pickup.

She wandered about a block and found herself on the edges of the respectable quarter of the city, looking for something to pass the time. Shepard's eyes flitted from storefront to storefront, mostly moderately priced boutiques, a couple restaurants, a cheesy desert themed souvenir shop, before coming to rest on the airbrushed storefront of a tattoo parlor, "The Briar Rose." She had never much been one for tattoos, never feeling like committing to something so permanent. Her battle scars were enough to serve as markers to her life. She rubbed a thumb across her left eyebrow, the feeling of a smooth unbroken line of hair there still alien, and felt her feet begin to pull her forward before she had even consciously made a decision.

* * *

Shepard had exited the parlor with just enough time to grab a shuttle to the drop port where she was to meet the Normandy, and change out of her civvies in the center's restroom. She peeled off her shirt and pulled on her uniform's jacket, careful to not jostle the new bandage taped across her right shoulder blade. And before she knew it, she found herself climbing back aboard the newly independent Normandy SR2.

"_Decontamination in Progress."_

Shepard ran two fingers along the inside of the high collar of her dress uniform. It was snugger than any clothing she had worn in months, but not in an uncomfortable way. The light but sturdy fabric hugged her form in a reassuring embrace, like pliant armor, the support reinforcing the self-assured posture she pulled herself into as the decom chamber of the Normandy did it's work. Her nerves tingled despite herself, leaving an itching in her palm. She flexed her hands into and out of fists and rolled her head, stretching her neck in a habit she'd long forgotten how she'd picked up. It was silly, she told herself. There was nothing to be nervous about, but dwelling on reunions had always done that to her, and she was about to be reunited with the only family she had left – not to mention the shoes of the Commander she had left behind the last time she'd stepped off the Normandy.

_Bing! "Decontamination Complete." _For once she wasn't so thankful that Cerberus had cut the decom time in half. The doors slid open and Shepard found herself greeted by the smiling faces of her entire ground squad to welcome her home. "Commander on deck! Operative Lawson stands relieved," announced EDI. The group of comrades all snapped off salutes at the announcement, with even Jack offering a two fingers to her brow in halfheartedly snarky motion.

"Welcome back aboard Commander. Or should I call CEO?" remarked Joker with a smirk.

Shepard screwed her face up into mock disgust. "Commander is fine, Joker," she said, shaking her head. "Or have you forgotten I run this as a military operation?"

He held up his hands in a jovial defense. "No Ma'am. But you _are_ this president of this little venture."

"Don't remind me," she groaned. On Miranda's advice, Shepard had formed a corporation to handle the legalities of paying her crew, trade taxes, operating a ship, and various sundry complications that apparently came with becoming an independent agent. The Normandy now flew under the Phoenix Corp license; the Cerberus logo traded in for the red silhouette of phoenix with wings out swept which now emblazoned her hull and the crew's uniforms.

"So, whad'ya bring me back from the good ol' home planet, Commander?" asked Joker with a laugh.

"You'll have to wait until dinner for that," answered Shepard with a smirk.

Joker's eyebrows shot nearly to the brim of hit hat. "Wait, you did...?" He obviously hadn't expected her to have actually have picked up anything, given the nature of her 'vacation'.

Shepard merely nodded and stepped into the Normandy proper and fixed her gaze on the rest of the crew. "I expect to see you all in the mess at 0700."

"Wouldn't miss it for all the spanners on the Flotilla, Commander."

Shepard smiled at Tali. "Good." She shifted her duffel bag, pushing it's bulk square against her back. "Now, are you all going to let a woman get to her cabin so she can put down this damnable bag?" The group parted, opening a path for her, offering pats on the shoulder and the occasional hug from softies like Tali and Chakwas, in greeting as she passed. As she let in the warmth around her she felt a twinge of irrational guilt sting her gut. She was home. And he was not.

* * *

Shepard couldn't help but feel like she should be wearing a red suit and fake beard as she reached into newly unpacked duffle bag and pulled out a another gift. Wrapping had seemed a bit excessive, so the sack would have to do. She pulled out the two tool sets, laying one in front of Jacob. "I expect you'll be able to get your weapons maintenance done in half the time with these."

He unsheathed a long carbon fiber rod and let out a low whistle. "No doubt." He nodded, a smile across his face. "Thanks, Shepard."

The Commander held the other kit in her outreaching hand and spun slowly, searching the room. "What happened to Tali?" she asked finally.

"Right here Commander," came the quarian's voice and she popped around the corner, arms held behind her back. "I just thought I might give you something in return. Gifts are... not common among our people. Outside the Pilgrimage, of course. So, I thought now would be a good time to give you back this," she finished, pulling a small cage from behind her back.

Shepard chuckled as she leaned down to look inside. "Mister McDuff. It's been quite some time, little man. I trust you've been well?" she asked, poking a finger through the wire cage to rub the top of the hamster's head before she took the container, placing on the mess hall table.

"He's healthy as a varren," replied Tali. "I took the liberty of constructing a series of plastic tubes for him to explore next to my station in engineering. We never had pets on the flotilla. Cleanliness issues, scarcity of supplies and all. I never realized how much... personality non-sentients can have. McDuff is quite the rascal! Aren't you?" She directed the last to the cage, laughter in her voice. "I guess you won't see that new wheel I've been working on though, hmm?"

Shepard crossed her arms as she watched Tali coo over the little rodent and smirked. "Seems you two hit it off in my absence. I'm sure he'd rather spend his days in the engineering rather than alone in my cabin."

"Really, Shepard?" The Commander shrugged good naturedly. "Oh, thank you!" Shepard offered out the tool kit. "Hopefully you'll be as tickled by this..."

The quarian's masked face swiveled around to see what her Commander held out and took it tentatively. "Oh, my. This is... quite nice. Thank you! Again." She sat down and began rifling through the tool set.

Shepard reached back into her duffel bag into one of the folded corners of the now empty sack. "Aaand... last but not least," she pulled a her arm out, a hand wrapped around a small trinket. "Jack."

The tattooed biotic perked up despite her studied posture of indifference, which she quickly compensated for. "Still tryin' to butter me up, Shepard?"

"Oh, I know a hopeless cause when I see one, Jack," she rejoined. "Still, wouldn't do to look like I'm playing favorites, so just it, ok?" Jack took a step forward towards Shepard's outstretched fist. Shepard uncurled her hand to reveal the gleaming piece of jagged metal in her palm. "Thought you might like something to replace whatever used to be in that healed over piercing in your ear."

Jack smirked despite herself and shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Why not? Stabbing it through there'll make for a fun couple minutes, anyway." She let Shepard palm it into her hand. "Not as much fun as running it through someone else, of course..."

Shepard shook her head with a smirk on her own face, having learned by now that Jack's bravado was not something to be taken seriously. Outside of battle, anyway. Suddenly, EDI's voice chimed in. "You did not procure anything for me, Commander? I am hurt," said the AI's voice in an injured tone.

Commander Shepard looked up, talking to the ceiling. "I, uh, EDI..." she began.

"That was a joke, Commander. A gift would be useless to an entity such as myself."

Shepard sighed lightly. "Very funny, EDI."

"Yeah, real funny EDI," replied Joker. "Hey, Commander, just tell me when you want to remove those humor subroutines..." he remarked in feigned annoyance, though the twinkle in his eye betrayed his amusement.

Shepard shrugged. "Afraid of a little competition in the gallows humor department, Joker?"

The pilot rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Riiight."

The night wound down pretty quickly after that, as the squad members finished their meals, each offering their own quiet condolences to Shepard as they made their way back to their makeshift quarters. The group had dwindled down to Tali, Chakwas, Garrus, Jack, and Shepard by 2200, with the humans sharing in a bottle of rum from Gardner's pantry. Tali pulled herself to her feet, readying herself to retire for the evening, laying her hand on Shepard's shoulder. "I just wanted to say... what I mean is... Thane...."

Chakwas nodded, saving Tali from her rambling tongue. "I think I speak for all of us when we say that we'll all miss Mr. Krios."

Jack leaned her elbows into the table, a glass of rum in one hand, which she held aloft. "Yeah, he was one badass lizard." It was as close to sentimental as the woman got.

Garrus raised his glass of water. "May his gods watch over him."

Chakwas nodded, as did Tali, as they assembled group raised their glasses in a tributary toast. Kara Shepard blinked back tears as she fought against the lump in her throat. "Here, here," she rejoined, her voice husky with emotion before she downed her own drink. A sad smile was painted across her face as she excused herself that evening. It was a bittersweet reunion.

----

**Next Time**: Shepard prepares for the final push against the Reapers. And her reunion with Kaidan.


	12. Building Blocks

**Author's Note: **Last chapter before we get on with finally resolving the Kaidan situation. This chapter is really about Shepard finally moving forward with a new beginning, before she decides if she can build something with Kaidan. So, it should come across a little like the beginning of a new story. Hopefully that doesn't throw anyone off.

**Chapter 12: Building Blocks**

Kara Shepard strode down the halls of the Normandy SR2, bootsteps echoing in her wake in its metallic halls. She surveyed her rag tag team as they worked at polishing weapons and adjusting a variety of equipment in the cargo hold in a post mission ritual. They had returned from another run through the Omega Relay just and hour before, but Shepard had already cleaned herself up and was in a crisply clean formal uniform. She met the eyes of her team as she passed, Legion, Jack, Garrus, Grunt, each nodding a silent acknowledgment at her after their first mission since she'd returned. Joker glanced up as he saw her approach and pulled himself to his feet. She stopped as he held out a datapad for her. The summary of what they had pulled from the remains of the base. She nodded at him and the pilot went back to whatever he had been calibrating.

The orange glow of the datapad show the schematics of a Reaper pulled from the Collector's database. As she considered the image for a moment, Shepard couldn't help her gaze from being pulled up and out the large viewport before her. The stars twinkled behind the not-to-distant star of the Sahrabarik system. It looked so beautiful, so peaceful... so misleading. Somewhere, out there, she could feel them. That fleet of however many Reapers, bearing down on the system. On her. Shepard's eye set in a look of hard determination. She'd be damned if she wasn't ready. If they all weren't.

* * *

_Sent: 2.16.2186_

_To: Councilor Anderson, D._

_CC: Cmdr Alenko, K._

_From: Cmdr Shepard, K. Normandy SR2_

_I will be returning to the remains of the Collector Base at 0800. The Council needs more proof that the Reapers aren't just some delusion? They'll get it. I'll send you what we find ASAP._

_- Shepard

* * *

_

_Sent: 4.29.2186_

_To: Councilor Anderson, D._

_CC: Cmdr Alenko, K._

_From: Cmdr Shepard, K. Normandy SR2_

_My contact with the "true" Geth, Legion, has gotten them to share information they retrieved about the Reapers from the reprogrammed Heretic Geth. See attachment. He also says they're willing to meet with the Council, if they're willing to allow an envoy of Geth. I told them that the Council would likely be nervous about having a Geth ship docked at the Citadel (understatement the size of an Elcor, I know) so I offered to serve as transport if needed. Can you relay this info please?_

_-Shepard

* * *

_

_Sent: 7.04.2186_

_To: Councilor Anderson, D._

_CC: Cmdr Alenko, K._

_From: Cmdr Shepard, K. Normandy SR2_

_The negotiations with the Elcor went promisingly enough. But then, they're always so damned polite, Garrus tells me that even a heart "hell no" from them is phrased something like 'Adamant conviction: Possibly maybe not.' In any case, I have high hopes, and am going to the other extreme in species soon. I'll be on Tuchanka in 2 days. Hopefully, I can use my connections with my old teammate Urdnot Wrex to convince the other clans its in their best interest to join the fight. I'll keep you updated in regards to both._

_-Shepard

* * *

_

Hot Tuchankan air only served to increase the burning feeling in her lungs as Shepard dove behind a piece of crumbling pillar. Grey dust filled her nostrils as she squinted against the gale force winds, doing her best to keep the particulates out of her eyes. The wind was just one of the difficulties fighting atop an open air tower provided. The vista would have provided quiet the view, as it was surrounded by a forest of smaller towers, if she hadn't been more worried about keeping herself alive. Falling from the ledge of the platform, which was only 15 yards in diameter, and the 500 foot drop, would be less than pleasant. The towers of the defunct city now served as nesting grounds for Rukka, Tuchanka's lord of the skies. They resembled giant Varren on wings, with jaws like a Thresher Maw. And a whole flock was pissed with Shepard.

Another bone-chilling screech of a roar buffeted her ears, but she used the terrifying display to her advantage, pinpointing the creature's position before popping back out from behind the pillar. She popped off a couple shots before diving to the ground, her armor breaking her fall with a springy crunch as a wall of acidic goo shot over her prone form. Little dots of pavement sizzled around her as droplets of the substance fell around her as she used her biotics to shield her own body. When the attack subsided Shepard rolled to her feet, unhinging a grenade and chucking it at the monster all in one fluid motion. She took cover behind another large rock before detonating the charge, hoping it had found it's mark. A gurgled scream told her that her grenade had flown true and she couldn't help the quiet smile that spread itself across her face as the ground shook beneath her feet when the animal landed in a bloody thump. That was the last of them. Now to the worst part of this whole venture - removing the "trophies" to prove she had defeated the challenge set before her. Which in this case, meant a very special part of the beast. Shepard's lip curled as she cut into the Rukka with her combat knife and a rank stench invaded her nostrils. _'It couldn't just be a horn or a wing or something,' _she mused to herself._ 'Goddamned Krogan obsession with quads.'

* * *

_

Taking down an entire flock of Rukka had earner her yet another slew of mating invitations, but had also, more importantly gone a long way to cementing Krogan participation in the final push against the Reapers. Krogans, of course, didn't need much of an excuse to join a battle, but they had a ritual for everything, and every ritual predictably involved battle. In this case, to ensure loyalty from all clans, not just the Urdot, Shepard had been told she needed to survive the ultimate Krogan challenge: the Warlord Proving. Climb to the top of the ruin of the most holy tower in all of Tuchanka, destroy any eggs you find, and survive once the Rukka began to defend their young. All this alone.

Shepard waited until the doors to her cabin slid shut behind her before letting her shoulders sag. She sighed as she sat on the edge of her bed and fought the urge to just lie down right there. With a groan she mustered the energy to begin stripping off her armor piece by piece.

She was tired. And it wasn't just from becoming a Krogan Warlord. No, she was tired from the endless missions, feeling the weight of the galaxy of her more with each passing day, and no one to help shoulder the burden. She could only let her crew see so much, only let her guard down so far. This was the closest to family she had ever had on a ship, and she had found herself opening up more to them than she had ever had with a crew since joining the military. And as nice as that could be, it still made her uncomfortable at times. There were certain things that a CO doesn't share with their crew – doubts, uncertainties... fear. And holding all that in left her alone on a ship filled with friends. Being the "immovable center", as Chakwas had called her, exhausted anyone eventually. She needed her port in the storm. Her rock. Was it time?

She pulled her gloves off and took the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, rubbing it tiredly as she mentally ticked down the prep checklist that had seemed so daunting at the beginning. Instead of recruiting individuals she was now recruiting entire species. She had started with the Council, knowing that because of the bureaucratic nightmare there would require the most time come around to her side. She had presented them with the myriad of scans and other data they had acquired from the Collector base, as well as audio records of their comm traffic during that mission, and information from Mordin's research. With Anderson's help, they had agreed to look over the evidence and consider assembling a force to defend against the Reapers. It had probably helped that she was no longer with Cerberus – assuming they believed that – and was truly an independent agent now. In the meantime, they requested she stick within the Terminus Systems as much as possible until they made their decision. Anderson had reassured her that they believed the Collector were real, and trusted that she was not a rogue Spectre after all. She hoped he was right.

In the mean time, Shepard continued to send updates as she conducted her other business. Which she also CC'd to Kaidan, under the guise of maintaining a relationship with the Alliance military. It wasn't entirely the Alliance relationship she was concerned with maintaining, of course. But she wasn't sure exactly how to go about rebuilding a relationship that had barely existed outside the military to begin with. And so, for the past 8 months she had engaged in an ungainly exercise in letting know Kaidan what she was up to without actually having to have "the talk" he had mentioned in that first letter after Horizon. She knew things wouldn't go any better than they had at that reunion until she was her own person again. Not Shepard's ghost and Kaidan, not Shepard and Thane, not Thane's ghost and Shepard. Was it time?

She sighed, forcing herself to focus on what she could check off her list. Go back through the Omega Relay to retrieve as much additional evidence of the Reapers as possible? Check. Getting the Quarians to agree to work with the Geth, in exchange for leaving their home systems once the Quarians help them build a Dyson Sphere? Check. Thus, getting both to agree to assist in the Reaper resistance? Check. Contact the Rachni Queen? Check. Swallow your pride and try and enlist the Batarian? Check. Pray to the porcelain god in disgust with yourself when you somehow manage it by building a trade network between them and the Volus? Check. Spend days in the longest meeting of her life to negotiate military assistance from the Elcor fleets? Genuine statement – check. Kick some serious ass, thus gaining Korgan loyalty? Double check.

That left only the two most important items on her mission ready check. Convince the Council that the Reapers are a real and present danger. And keep a promise to Thane.

She groaned and flopped back on the bed petulantly and stared at the ceiling. It was time. "EDI, set a course for the Citadel."

"Acknowledged, Commander. Course set."

* * *

_To: Cmdr Alenko, K._

_From: Cmdr Shepard, K._

_Kaidan,_

_I'll be on the Citadel tomorrow. We need to talk.

* * *

_

**Next Time**: Figuring out if they should or even can try and make this work isn't all puppies and rainbows. Ready for a difficulty talk? :D


	13. Perceptions

**A/N**: Sorry folks - an ironic surprise the day after my 29th birthday was my lower back going out. And it is surprisingly hard to focus while on pain meds. And then I caught a cold. And then I'd been away long enough for writer's block to set in. All I really have to say is - where were my cybernetic upgrades when I need them, hmm? Stupid aging ;P Anyway, on with the show. Hope ya'll enjoy. Sorry for the wait - and review if you have any thoughts.

**Chapter 13: Perceptions **

Shepard tapped her fingers in succession against the sweating glass of the asari gin cupped between her hands. She stared down into the icy concoction, trying to let the thumping music of Flux beat back her nerves. She had chosen this location for the same reason many people choose public locations during difficult conversations: the social pressure of conformity. People were much less likely to engage in loud drama in public. Not that she was expecting any such behavior, but preparing for the unexpected had become part and parcel for the Commander long ago. She was thankful that being early in the evening, the music was still fairly mellow and the crowd small.

A figure slid into the seat opposite her in the booth and she looked up at the intruder. A pregnant pause swelled between them, eye contact breaking, returned, breaking again, before Shepard found her voice. "Kaidan."

"Shepard," he replied in that intimately familiar gravel of a voice. His tone was flat but couldn't entirely hide the flicker of guarded hope in his eyes. "How have you been?"

Shepard's mouth twitched into a smirk. "You got those mission updates, didn't you?"

The tenseness dropped from Kaidan's form at her old sarcastic banter, the warmth of his eyes spreading to the rest of his face. "Yeah, well," he shrugged. "I know _what_ you've been doing. But I'm still wondering..." he paused a moment, "how_ you're_ doing?"

Shepard shrugged and took a sip of her drink as she considered her answer. "I..." she smirked in a lopsidedly awkward way and shrugged again. "I don't know? Things are going well, I guess. Haven't really done much outside the mission, y'know?" She purposely omitted anything to do with Thane. Now was not the time for _that_ discussion.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask that before," his thick brows furrowed. "You know, on Horizon."

Shepard felt a twinge of hardness in her chest at the mention of that incident. "Its okay. Well... not _okay." _Her eyes swept back down to the table as she struggled with how to diplomatically not let him off the hook. "I mean, I've thought about it and I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in your place. I'd like to think I wouldn't but... I won't claim to know what you've been through." She looked back up at him, searching his face for a reaction.

Kaidan met her eyes. "Yeah, I was kind of hoping we could just wipe that whole incident from the record. You know - fresh start." He rubbed the back of his neck in a display of nerves.

Shepard couldn't help the hard set her eyes took at that. "Clean slate?" she asked in a low voice. "I can't do that. I can forgive, but I don't think I can forget. You hurt me down there. You couldn't even -" Shepard clamped her mouth shut as a young asari waitress sauntered up to the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt! I just wanted to know if you'd like a drink?" she directed this at Kaidan.

"Uh, yeah, sure. A beer I guess," he answered absently, his eyes flickering between the waitress and Shepard.

"What kind?" she asked brightly, oblivious to the awkward mood at the table. "We've got Illium Pale Ale, Traverse Red, Black Hole Stou-"

Kaidan cut her off with a wave of his hand. "Just surprise me!" he said more gruffly than he had intended.

"Uh. Okay, sir. Be right back," she answered awkwardly, before quickly turning on her heel in a hasty exit.

"You were saying?" asked Kaidan reluctantly, in what seemed to Shepard to be an effort to let her have her say, unlike on Horizon.

"You know what - never mind. We don't need to rehash. Just, suffice it to say, it happened. We can't just pretend to ignore it, leaving it some big elephant in the room between us." _'Not if there's even a chance of there being an 'us',' _she continued to herself. She sighed and Kaidan began to open his mouth in protest. She help up a hand to silence him. "No. No, look I didn't come here to delve into all of this." She rubbed the middle finger of her right hand across the space between her eyes, which were cast on the table top. "Not yet, anyway," she continued gently. "How about we just change the subject for now? I'd rather we catch up."

A tall glass of golden sparkling beer was placed gently in front of Kaidan as he nodded in agreement and took a sip, letting Shepard guide the conversation. "How about you tell me how you got that Commander title?" she asked, her smile only slightly tinged with stiffness.

Kaidan's shoulders relaxed and he leaned forward, elbows on the table. "Well, after the crew... was broken apart, I was transferred to the Citadel at Anderson's request. I guess he wanted a direct link to the Alliance. It wasn't exactly_ his _choice to retire from his commission. You can take the man out of the military, but you can't take the military out of the man, y'know?"

Shepard smiled. "Oh, I know how_ that _goes..."

Kaidan nodded as he realized that Shepard had suffered an all too similar fate to Anderson's - only to a much more devastating degree, and his chest twinged in a small stab of regret as his own words on Horizon echoed back to him. How could he have accused her of betrayal? _'You knew it was her from the moment you touched her. Smelled her,' _he accused himself. He cleared his throat as he realized Shepard was staring at him, an eyebrow raised quizzically. He'd paused just a bit too long. "Uh, yeah, so, as I was saying... he wanted me working with him. He worked out something with Admiral Hackett, I guess. I think they were trying to make me in to something of an Alliance version of a Spectre – independent agent, to a degree. But to get the kind of clearance you need to operate like that I needed a slight upgrade in rank." He shrugged. "I haven't really commanded anything more than a small squad."

Shepard chuckled. "Sounds like I may have been a bad influence after that little stealing the Normandy thing I roped Anderson into."

Kaidan smiled back. "Yeah. You think the red tape in the Alliance is bad? The Council has had millenia to perfect it!" He sighed. "I think I preferred it back when I could just take orders and bitch about things not getting done. Now I spend half my time just waiting for requests to be taken off the back burner, or finding out whose hand I have to grease to finish whatever assignment Anderson has me on."

Shepard shook her head ruefully. "Yeah, there's plenty I miss about the Alliance, but I can't say that's one of them." She sipped her drink. "Okay, so what else? What exactly does the right hand man of Anderson do?"

Had it been anyone but Shepard, Kaidan may have questioned her interest in his activities, but he was determined to not make the mistakes he had on Horizon. Besides, it was her – his Shepard – which was only driven home by the fact that while she asked questions she instinctively knew how to dance the line between getting the story and pressing him for information she knew he couldn't, by duty, reveal. Kaidan filled her in on various missions he'd been on, the unclassified stuff, the few friends he'd made and the 'legendary' party they had attempted to throw for him and the night he'd spent in C-Sec as a result. As a lull descended on the conversation, Shepard ended up asking to be filled in on any political maneuvering that had resulted from the attack on the Citadel, and the destruction of the Normandy, since she'd been gone, saying it would be useful for garnering support for her cause. He soon found he'd relaxed into that old, easy, rapport they had shared before like no time had passed at all.

Kaidan eventually found himself just finishing up a bawdy story about a recent political scandal "...and so, I wouldn't suggest bringing up the Consort to the Volus ambassador if you don't wanna get spaced!" he finished with a chuckle. He realized suddenly what he'd said and his laughter abruptly died. Shepard herself continued to chuckle for a few more moments before realizing she was alone in it.

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"I – I'm," he shook his head. "I'm sorry. That wasn't appropriate to say to someone who... had that-"

Shepard's eyes seemed to dance with a lightness as she gave him a reassuring look,. "It's okay to say. Someone who got spaced."

Kaidan shook his head. "You don't need to put on that brave face for me, Shepard. I was haunted for years by dreams. Nightmares I guess. Imagining you floating out there. Me being spaced." He swallowed a gulp of beer hard. "They're mostly gone now. But, I can only imagine what you must be going through, I mean, its only been a year for you."

She shrugged. "I appreciate the sentiment, but you don't need to worry. Don't get me wrong - I have those nights. But then, I've seen plenty." Shepard's mouth crooked with a darkly humored smirk he hadn't seen for years. "I guess you could say I've gotten good at compartmentalizing. At least, that's what the my ship's councilor says," she said lightly.

Kaidan searched her face, trying to decide if the untroubled flippancy was one of her walls, or was genuine. He'd spent 2, no 3, years now wracked by guilt at not saving her from what he assumed what a terrifying, agonizing way to die. "What was it..." no, he shouldn't ask. It wasn't his business.

"What was what?" she pushed. Kaidan shook his head. "No, its okay. You can ask me anything. We used to trust each other with everything. Remember that?"

"I do." He began again, hesitantly. "It's just... I've probably dwelled on this more than I should have. But," he swallowed. "What was it like?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Being spaced?" No one had actually asked her this before, she realized. He nodded in affirmation. She leaned back, twirling the straw in her drink, as she thought about it for a moment. "Shitty pretty much sums it up, I guess."

Kaidan's mouth tightened into a frown. "Shepard..."

"I'm sorry Kaidan, I'm not trying to be flippant here. It's just..." she shook her head. "Well, I was blown out into space, and.. it gets kind of fuzzy from there. Like..." her eyes narrowed, "Snapshots. Like time slowed down, but sped up at the same time?" Her face creased, as she sorted through the memories. "I remember thinking at first that as long as I could push off on some debris, maybe I could correct my trajectory out of the gravity well until someone could pick me up. Then, I heard the warning beeps and saw the holo-diplay on my visor saying my suit was ruptured. I don't know how I didn't see the air venting before that..." she shook her head. "And I panicked," her voice broke at this last admission of vulnerability. She took a deep swig of her drink.

"Nevermind, you don't have to-"

"No, no. It's okay. _Really._" She put on a soft smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and unconsciously reached out to lay her fingertips on the back of Kaidan's hand in an old familiar motion. "Like I said. No ones asked. Um... so, yeah. I tried to plug the hose back into my suit. I don't know if it was the panic, or if the coupling was busted, I just couldn't reach it, but it didn't work." She tilted her head to one side. "Obviously," She deadpanned and ran her free hand through her hair. "But I suppose you were asking about the whole, actually dieing thing. It didn't hurt, really. Just trying to fill my lungs and not getting anything. The cold of space rushing in numbed me up pretty quick. It was the knowing what was coming and not being able to do a damned thing about it. That's the worst part. Knowing I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to anyone. To you." Her eyes flitted about the room a bit at the admonition. "Anyway... I couldn't move pretty soon – I think that was the lack of atmosphere in my suit. Funny thing is, it didn't feel cold very long. I just felt... warm. Like, wrapped in too many blankets kind of warm. Last thing I remember thinking is wishing I could tear that damned suit off. I couldn't see anything at this point, except bright lights. Last thing I saw. Nothing but bright twinkling lights. It was kinda beautiful, actually." She cleared her throat before returning to her normal tone. "And then.. black."

"Did you see God? You think?" asked Kaidan quietly. He wasn't one for religion, but the lights were like something out of an old movie.

Shepard chuckled. "Not unless he bears a distinct resemblance to Miranda Lawson. That's about all I saw before waking up permanently. Not that she's not a looker, but hardly a goddess."

Her levity irritated Kaidan and he pulled his hand away from her touch. "I'd think you'd take death a little more seriously, having seen so much of it," he said suddenly angry. It sure as hell had hurt more than any pain in his life. Some part of him, a part he didn't want to acknowledge, felt she should have felt the same pain.

Her face hardened. "If you'd been dead for two years without so much as a light at the end of the tunnel, tell me... how would you cope with it?" she said flatly. She huffed out a lungful of air a beat later. "Look, Kaidan, you know me. I'm sarcastic. Deal with it."

He knew that. He knew that was her defense mechanism. He deflated a little.

Shepard sighed, folding her hands in her lap. "Maybe this wasn't the best idea..."

Kaidan sat up a little straighter at this. He didn't think he'd offended her this badly. "Hey, no, look, I was out of line -"

"Relax Kaidan. I just mean that maybe _this_," she waved a hand around to indicate Flux, "wasn't the best idea. I guess I just wanted to catch up. Without having the serious talk." She shook her head. "It was stupid of me."

"No..."

"Yes. And I can admit - a little cowardly. Its obvious you need to talk about this stuff. _I_ need to talk about this. We can't just pretend like everything that's happened just hasn't." She paused for a moment considering something. "You've been telling me all about what you've been up to – I should do the same... how would you like to see the new Normandy? She's one hell of a ship..."

Kaidan's eyes softened. "Sure. I'd like that."

"Well, let's go then." She flipped a credit chit onto the table, and pulled herself out of the booth, onto her feet. She laid a hand on his arm as he reached for his own money. "I've got it."

"You don't have to cover me," said Kaidan.

"Hey, don't worry about it. Owning your own operation pays surprisingly well."

As they approached the Normandy SR2 Kaidan's eyes widened. Shepard shot him a sidelong glance, an almost invisible smirk dancing on her lips. "I know."

"She's... a lot bigger," remarked Kaidan. Intelligence reports hadn't done it justice.

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, Cerberus may be run by a son of a bitch, but he knows how to spend his money."

Kaidan's face took on a sour expression at the mention of the organization, but that quickly wilted when he saw the logo now emblazoned on the side of the ship. The bright orange of a phoenix's flaming wings licked the side of the Normandy's hull. "The file I sent you..."

Shepard nodded. "It seemed fitting. I know it was just meant for me, but since she's the other one whos been resurrected for this -"

Kaidan shook his head. "No. I mean, yes. Yeah, I get it." He smiled.

The tour of the Normandy took longer than Kaidan had expected. Most of the crew was on shore leave, aside from a few random crew members, and Joker, who giddily rubbed the fine leather seats in his face. The ship was familiar and yet, completely foreign. No more stairs. Different layout. The civilian luxury of male and female bathrooms. He laughed as the computer reminded Shepard that the women's facilities were adjacent to these when she'd stepped near the door. Finally, they had ended up taking the elevator to the very top to see the "bird's nest". His eyebrows raised when he saw that it was actually a well accommodated cabin. "I don't think even Admiral Hackett has this kind of set up on board any vessel."

Shepard shrugged in a small show of humble embarrassment. "Like I said before, Cerberus knows how to spend its money. I suppose they wanted to garner my favor any way they could."

Kaidan nodded, glad to see that she had kept her wits about her when Cerberus had tried to buy her off. "I didn't think you were the type to have pets," he remarked as his eyes landed on the fish tank.

"Used to have a hamster, until I let Tali watch after it. Seems they don't have pets on the Flotilla and, well, he spends his time in engineering now." She shrugged. Kaidan nodded again, absently. The room was at once completely foreign to the Shepard he knew, and yet somehow she'd put her stamp on it. Like the folding case meant to display medals. Not an indulgence in ego that she would ever have displayed, obviously installed by Cerberus. But instead of medals, of which she'd earned plenty, little pieces of what a casual viewer might consider clutter, or even trash, were displayed in a scrap-booking fashion. Obviously put together by Shepard, Kaidan recognized the nicknacks to be mementos which reminded her of places she'd been. People she'd met. They were much like the collection of bobbles she'd shown him one evening on the old Normandy. Those were what she was truly proud of – not the prizes handed out by political figures of the Alliance.

The pop of a cork snapped him back to the present, and turned to find Shepard with a bottle of freshly opened wine in one hand, two glasses entwined in the fingers of the other. She raised the bottle in an offering gesture, eyebrow raised expectantly. Kaidan took one of the proffered glasses and followed her down the short slight of steps which led to the couch and bed area. "Thanks."

Shepard sat down on the shorter section of the L-shaped couch, leaving Kaidan to take the larger section, where he found himself sitting at the furthest possible seat from her. He cleared his throat. "So..."

Shepard nodded. "So." She swirled the ruby liquid in her glass, for want of a better action. Silence sat like a dense fog between them before Shepard's voice cut through it like beam of a laser sight. "I think this is the part where you ask me some serious question... or I ask you, right?"

The corner of Kaidan's eyes crinkled in a smile that didn't reach his mouth. He was once again stuck between the awkwardness of time apart between them and the memories of her, which were still so clear. Like Shepard's bull in a china shop way of getting to the point in such awkward situations. "Yeah... I guess I'm not sure where we left off. Or where to start?" He sighed. "I don't know."

Shepard's eyes softened even as he felt them continue to examine him. Humor glinted in the corners of her eyes, but it couldn't fully obscure her own awkward nervousness as her fingertips rubbed the stem of the wine glass between her fingertips. "So, my turn I guess?" Kaidan nodded his head in acquiescence. "Okay... so, how did you get your bars and star?" she asked, referring to the rank's insignia.

Kaidan sighed with the melancholy of events Shepard could only wish she's been there for. "I'm not a Commander. Not really. I don't think I'll ever be," he said, his tone echoing a shadow of self contempt. "When you were gone, all I wanted was for your death to count for something. When the council called you a lunatic, or _worse," _he growled, "I wanted to step into your place. Carry on for you... as you, maybe," he added, slightly embarrassed. "So when Anderson pushed for my promotion... I took it. I thought I could do it." He shrugged. "I'd never wanted to be in command, but I thought I could – for you." Kaidan's eyebrows pulled up and back in an unvoiced memory. "I was quickly absolved of that illusion." He sighed. "I never realized what it was to be you, I guess - shouldering that responsibility? Its a cliché, you know? The_ burden _of command." He sighed again as he rubbed rubbed a hand against the dark stubble dotting his jaw. "I'm a soldier. A medic. I patch up mistakes – wounds." He blinked; a shadow of a head shake. "I don't prevent them. I nearly resigned my commission after I lost half my squad on Okampi Zed. It was only Anderson's proposal that I work for him - after he pulled in a few favors - that I stayed on. I'm a commander in name only. Not like you."

His eyes were filled with _that_ look, she realized. That look of love... but always laced with a hero worship that made her uncomfortable. The look that had dissappared after that first night together. When he had seen her truly as a woman, as the person she was, for all the bad that made up a person as well as the good. She shifted her gaze to the aquarium, away from his eyes. Was this why he was so mad at her? Had she, in her absence – her death – become that 2 dimensional hero from the Alliance recruitment vids in his heart again? She sighed heavily.

"What?" asked Kaidan simply, his voice low.

"I can't be that for you Kaidan." She pressed her hands into the cold tabletop, fingers splayed, as a tightness constricted her voice. "I can be that for everyone out there," she jutted her chin out, pointing at an unseen space beyond the bulkheads, still looking at her fish. "But I can't be that here. Not on this ship... not for you." She sighed hotly before meeting his gaze again. "I won't. Not after everything."

Kaidan's eyes hardened. "_What_ everything?" He flipped up a hand, halting her before she could say anything. "No. No! You know what? First off, be _what?_ I wanted you. I never wanted anything else!"

Shepard huffed a bitter laugh. "Didn't you?" She cut Kaidan off as his muscles tensed in protest. "Look in a mirror Kaidan. I thought we'd gotten past this. Like I said – no more orders. I don't want a fan – I want someone _I_ can lean on."

Kaidan's mouth twisted up indignantly. "A fan," he growled. "A _fan?_ Ha! Don't kid yourself, Shepard! I was disabused of that notion when you showed up again working for Cerberus!"

Shepard shot to her feet, her thighs banging against the table, wobbling stemware as her long fuse reached it's limit, threatening to blow. "Believe what to need to Kaidan, I know what I see, and its not what we had!" She threw up her hands in frustration and strode into a pace which was cut short by the walls of the small room.

"And what was that? Really?" Kaidan's skin crackled in a barely visible sheen of blue biotic glow.

Shepard eyes flashed as she whipped her head to meet his eyes, her voice equally low. "If you don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was never there." She turned away again, laying a hand against the cool glass of the aquarium, fighting to quell the heat of the fire in gut.

Shepard's battle instincts fired off as anger fueled adrenaline coursed through her veins. She could feel Kaidan sitting maddeningly behind her. His voice finally broke the silence after a pregnant silence. "So I was right on Freedom's Hope all along, then." It wasn't a question.

Shepard spun on her heel. "No! Don't even fucking start with _that_ again. Do you know what its like, Kaidan? No – you can't! You have... you have _from day one_ acted like I chose this! I didn't ask to be brought back! I didn't ask to have all this goddamned cybernetic shit put in me!" She felt her fist land in wall above her bedside stereo and felt her face flush, if not any pain in her knuckles. She wasn't quite sure how she'd gotten here, but it didn't concern her – her body was on autopilot now, and she let it flow, trusting it to do it's job just as she did in a firefight.

"Kaidan, I don't even know how old I am!" Her voice lowered and she turned to meet his frustratingly steady gaze. "Do you know what that's like? I was dead for – for what? 2 years? I've lost all my scars - even what fucking wrinkles I had! I never had a perfect complexion – but here I am with it now!" She flung her hands up in a sarcastic flourish around her face to accent the point. "Am I 29 like when I died? Is this body 22? Am I 32? You may not think much of it, but that face staring back at me is a _serious_ mindfuck! Do you think this has been easy on me?"

Kaidan stared at her, his jaw set, though he didn't have an answer for any of it.

"Look. I've done the best I can. You had two years to deal with it – I had waking up to the middle of a firefight to wrap my head around it. And after that? Preparing for a mission, jumping from planet to planet, all just to prepare to most likely throw it all away again." A grunt of frustration leap up in her throat before her shoulders fell and broke the stare with Kaidan. "I don't know what you want me to say here. I'm not saying you had it easy..." she blinked back the tears in her eyes and shook her head, at a loss for words.

Kaidan's own hackles lowered at the change in her tone, but he still set his jaw defensively. "I just want to know what you were doing."

Shepard crossed her arms. "Its all in the reports I sent you."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I get more than just reports from you. Hell, you're the one that taught me how to draw intel from word of mouth."

"And?"

"And that's my job! You're a celebrity Shepard – people talk. Especially the homesteaders on Earth."

She shot him a look as she realized where this was going. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to make him say it. "So?"

"So? So you just run off with a drell?"spat Kaidan venomously.

"Is that what this is all about? Jealousy? When you just_ shoved _me away? Didn't let me even get a word in before you turned tail? I guess you think I just like _whoring_ around? That that's what we were to me?" returned Shepard, volleying back with a yell of her own.

Kaidan's cool repose finally broke, exploding to his feet as well. "So what _was_ it like then? It took me _two years_ to even think about dating – and that was when I thought you were dead! You _knew_ I was out there. You didn't even try!" His right fist slammed back with an unsatisfying thump into the cushion of the sofa's back.

"I didn't even know if I'd make it through! I couldn't pull you back in knowing I might just up and die on you again!" It was Shepard's turn for her skin to light up in biotic blue as her nerve pathways lit up with fight or flight reflexes. He pulled his fist back and pulled himself out into the room from behind the table with a deliberately controlled movement. He levelled his gaze at Shepard once more. "Oh, so you thought, may as well get a lay in before you throw your life away?"

"_Jesus_ Kaidan! I'm not some intergalactic slut! Hell, it's not like I didn't want you to move on – I _wish_ you had moved on sooner. I. Was. _Dead_!"

"Dammit Shepard! Why are you always trying to be the paragon of humanity? There's no news cameras here! No ones watching us!" Kaidan demanded, his voice raising despite himself.

Shepard's hands balled into fists. "I'm not _trying_ to be anything!" she growled back. Their eyes locked, and she paused before the bitter bark of a laugh escaped her throat and her shoulders slumped. "Okay! Okay, you know what?" She flung her hands into the air. "You're right. I'm _trying _to be fair here Kaidan," she said, frustration still lacing her voice before it finally softened. "To both of us." She sighed. "But if you'd rather me be a selfish bitch..."

"No..." Kaidan mirrored her own sigh and he turned his back, eyes coming to rest on the tabletop. "I don't know what I want. I don't... I'm not sure how we come back from this."

Shepard studied his silhouette - the tired vulnerability it unwittingly betrayed - and felt everything they'd shared seep into her chest, and the anger soften, despite herself. Her booted feet crossed the small room on their own, stepping beside him. "We try." She lay the fingers of her right hand lightly on his left wrist. "You can't win if you don't try. If you want to that is..."

Kaidan heaved a tense sigh. "I do. God help me, your claws are in me Shepard. You're in my blood. Just knowing you've been out there this whole time..." he shook his head. "It was like being haunted by your ghost. Except worse. Your ghost is on the newsvids. And in rumors. And reports."

She ground her molars, the muscles in her jaw flexing. "I didn't choose to be the 'Savior of the Galaxy'," she replied, tiredly. "But things happened like they did. And there's no changing that. I wish I could step aside and... I don't know... let someone else fight this – fix this. But I can't – because no one else will." She pulled her hand away, turned, and let herself fall into sitting on her bed."So, if that means I'm haunting you via the media... well, I'm sorry." Her tone belied the genuineness of the last statement. "I don't like it any better than you." Shepard planted her elbows into her knees, resting her face in the palms of her hands tiredly.

He sighed. "Except when you're at your favorite store on the Citadel," he said, a peculiarly light tone to his voice. Shepard looked up, elbows still on her knees and her hands flopped between her legs. Kaidan met her eyes, which had softened, as had his.

A moment of silence passed between them before a twinkle came to her eye. She shrugged. "Hey, any tool to get the job done, right?"

"No need to deny it, Shepard," he teased. "I know you love a bargain." The tension was broken.

Kaidan rubbed a forefinger into his temple, belying an oncoming migraine. "Look. I don't... I don't know what to do with this information. About you and this drell." He made his way naturally, almost unconsciously to Shepard's side, before settling in not too close, nor too far from beside her on the edge of the bed.

"Thane," she said, a beat after he landed, in a manner which made it clear it was important to her.

"Sorry. Thane," he corrected himself, despite the bad taste the name left in his mouth for reasons her couldn't name. "I can't help being jealous. And knowing that you were... with him... I can't help feeling like I pushed you into his arms with the way I acted." He sighed again. "Its just... our lovemaking... our … _us," _he corrected himself. "We were like a burning star that night before Illos. And I'm. I'm afraid that somehow...we died when you did." he cast his eyes downward at the cold metallic floor.

Shepard scooted closer to him before placing a hand on his knee, willing him to meet her eyes. "Even dead stars burn, Kaidan."

"Is that what we are?"

"I like to think so..."

Their eyes met in an uncomfortably intimate way, neither sure of where the line was – with each other or from each other. Shepard withdrew her hand, cupping it as a fist in her opposite hand, rubbing slowly. She looked down, licking her bottom lip. "What Thane and I had.. it was different than you and me..." she unclasped her hands, which found their resting place upon the top of her knees which she gripped tightly before cocking her head left to look him in the eyes. "It was... what I needed. Both of us needed, really... I'm not great with words -"

Kaidan barked a laugh despite himself. At Shepard's look he motioned for her to go on, knowing now was not the time. As much as he didn't want to know any of this, a silent war raged between the part of him that wanted every sorted detail about the alien that could give Shepard something he couldn't, and the part that wanted to punish that alien down for taking his place.

Shepard sighed. "He was dying," she blurted finally. "But I suppose you know that from whoever you've gotten your information from." The disgust she threw at him in her voice, he realized suddenly was much like the kind he had thrown at her too many times now, and a small spark of regret lit itself in his chest as she continued. "Anyway... Kaidan. I don't expect you to understand this, but coming back from the dead... losing that time..." She shook her head softly and her eyelids closed tightly, seeming to see something behind there. "We got our time back. It was like the fates or gods or... whatever... we were what we both needed. I didn't mean for it to happen. And you were never out of my thoughts, but..."

Kaidan found his hand resting on Shepard's closest hand. "You needed a life back." The words fell from his lips before he had consciously realized them. Shepard's hand finally reacted to his own, twisting to intertwine with his fingers tightly.

A long silence passed before either spoke again. As the hours passed, conversation easing into easier topics, the touchier ones left to pass for the evening by unspoken agreement they found themselves lying back on Shepard's mattress, both staring at the ceiling as their conversation took it's own path.

Kaidan's eyes fluttered open as the cabin lights glowed brighter to simulate sunrise. It took a moment for him to realize he was not in his Citadel apartment and that the lingering warmth beside him was not the echo of so many dreams he had been haunted by. It was actually the real Shepard. He was still fully clothed – another hint this was no dream. His gaze shifted lazily to his left, only to find it empty. He sat up, propping himself up by his elbows to take in the room, and found Shepard hunched over her personal terminal, auburn hair curtained over her face, as she went over some report or another. He took in the sight for a moment before shifting his legs over the side of the bed, alerting Shepard.

Kara Shepard looked up, tilting her head just a bit to the left. "Morning."

Kaidan, still groggy from what must have been little sleep, felt himself flung back with an intense sensation of deja vu, from the few weeks of mornings they had had much like this. He cleared his throat. "What time is it?"

Shepard's eyes returned to her terminal. "0700. Coffee? I can have Kelly bring some up?"

"Kelly?" Kaidan asked in confusion as he straightened the tuck in his wrinkled shirt. "Ah, nevermind, uh, yeah," he yawned. " Coffee would be great."

Shepard stabbed a button on her console before looking up to nod. She hit what seemed to be another button, beside her console, which replied with a chirp. "Kelly?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Can you make that coffee double?"

"Yes ma'am!" the reply came with what Kaidan could swear was the first time he had hear a knowing grin over a comm channel.

"Thank you, Kelly."

"Quite the set up you have here, Shepard. Got a butler to help you into your armor, too?" quipped Kaidan lightly as he sunk a foot into a boot.

The silence that met him made him glance at Shepard. He found a tenseness she was obviously trying to suppress. "I t-"

Kaidan raised his hands, signaling he was not trying to start a fight. "Hey – hey. Sorry. I know.. I... sorry. I'm a military brat, y'know? Scoffing is reflex."

Shepard's posture relaxed. "And I'm a colonist. I enjoy whatever luxuries that fall in my lap," she replied, a small wry smile on her face.

"Fair enough," replied Kaidan warmly. A chirp vocalize from his omni-tool almost on cue as he returned to lacing his boot, and he couldn't help but groan as he pulled up the display to check the message. A moment later he looked up at Shepard, shrugging apologetically. "Apparently I need to be at the Presidium in twenty."

"Duty calls," Shepard shrugged and got to her feet as Kaidan finished lacing his boots and took the short trip up the room's stairs. They stood face to face, an arm's length apart."So... we finally had another night together," she said wryly.

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, smirking. "Uh.. yeah. I suppose. So... maybe we can talk again – tonight?"

Shepard nodded. "I'd like that." She scratched the back of her head. "How do you feel about ramen tonight? I hear its a delicacy..."

Kaidan barked a laugh. "Yeah, sure. This time you let me pay, though?"

Shepard rolled her eyes in mock frustration. " I suppose..."

"Its a date then..."

Shepard nodded. Kaidan took a step forward, his arms opened just slightly. A moment of an awkward dance as each tried to figure out the other's intended action and they found themselves in a comfortable embrace. As they broke the embrace their faces lingered a moment, eyes glancing at each others lips before the mutual stealing of a quick kiss before pulling apart self-consciously.

It was Shepard who broke the short, but leaden, silence at the first step at a reestablished intimacy. "So, 0800 work for you?"

Kaidan nodded curtly, despite the smile playing at the corner of his mouth. "Sure."

Shepard nodded, which Kaidan returned before turning on his heel and disappearing through the automatic doors. She settled back down into her chair, but did not return to her work until well after Kelly had delivered the coffee as her heart fought with her mind between feeling like she had betrayed Thane, and that she knew he wanted her to do.

As she watched the cream swirl into her now mostly cold coffee, and she remembered a long past conversation, Shepard's heart settled and warmth returned to her eyes as she was able to get back to the screens of text before her.

Next Time: Epilogue – a conclusion to it all.


	14. A Clear Day

The smoke had cleared. The rubble was beginning to be swept away. Much of Earth was now more like her last memories of Mindoir than of the months she'd spent here with Thane. But this spot, their spot, remained the haven she remembered. The hill with Thane's favorite view. She could still hear his voice here, saying that "on a clear day, you can see forever". Finally, she could see what he'd seen in those last weeks. With no threat of imminent death, nor invasion, looming, the horizon was clear. And she _could_ see forever.

Kara smiled wistfully as she surveyed the vista, seeing more there than what her eyes could. "We did it," she whispered. "They're gone. For good." She sank down, and not having a chair, rested back to sit on her heels, still staring out at the sun settling over the desert skyline. "Things are messy, but… I think it's going to be okay. Anyway, nothing I have to worry about anymore – that's the politicians problems now."

She absently scooped up a handful of dirt before letting the golden-red soil slip through her fingers. His ashes were surely scattered halfway to the Republic of Mexico by now, but it still felt like touching him in an ethereal sort of way. "I'm sorry I couldn't come by sooner. Harbinger has the worst kind of timing…" She thought back to the most devastating decision she'd had to make in her still young life; blowing a Relay, and an entire system with it, to stave off the Reaper invasion. It only bought her a few months, and a court marshal, but she was still that action ended up saving more lives than it took. A smirk hitched her lip up, recalling the day they'd met, and she imagined what he'd say now. "You know me – all chaos and destruction."

She licked her lips against the dry winds threatening to chap them. "You'd be so proud of Kolyat… he turned your memoirs into so much more than either of us could have conceived. He's made you a bestseller."

Much of the galaxy, to Shepard's amazement, remained relatively untouched. Mass Relays and near instantaneous communications had a way of making it feel small, but the universe is a big place, and even the Reapers couldn't digest it all at once. For many, especially non-Council races, it was a war on the vids, not one they saw out their windows. So life went on for them, aside from relief efforts, which really only amounted to a few donated credits for most citizens. And now humanity, the child race of sentient civilizations to most, was now the savior of all species.

And an endangered one, as a result.

Not unlike the Drell, Shepard realized. They found themselves as a species on the brink, in need of saving, and there was a galaxy full of species willing to help. But just as being rescued by the Hanar had forever changed Drell society, so would this change humanity. And the long term consequences of that remained to be seen.

"I could be wrong, but I think your son is on the brink becoming a leader of his people." Kolyat's novel was published with little fanfare, just after the Reapers were eliminated. Well, that is until a certain reporter noticed the similarity between the end of Thane's life, and rumors surrounding Shepard's activities after her disappearance. Kolyat had used pseudonyms for everyone, of course, and painted a touching portrait of a boy given no choice but to become the most feared assassin in the galaxy by doing the dirty work of the Hanar, who considered themselves above such sinful actions as murder – but were all too happy to reap the benefits. It painted the picture of a good man.

He didn't hide the fact that his father was the mysterious nameless assassin that many knew, but none could, or would, speak of meeting, but he didn't focus on the murders. It painted the picture of a good man of deep compassion, trying to leave the world a little better for his son at the end of it. He pulled no punches, but didn't villainize his father either. The portrait of that man, the real Thane Krios, was what captured people's imaginations. There were rumors as soon as the Shepard/Thane connection was supposed, propelling the book even farther. Shepard wouldn't comment, but only because it would overshadow what was looking to become Thane and his son's true legacy.

"Don't worry – I'll watch after him. He won't have to face the press vultures completely alone. I suppose I'm the closest thing he has to family now." She smiled to herself. "He calls me Siha… which is good, because I don't think I could handle 'aunt', let alone… "

The book never painted her and Thane's relationship as anything but professional, and thanks to help from her good friend, Liara "the Shadow Broker" T'Soni, Kara's money had been thoroughly laundered, leaving no trace that she'd spent months on Earth. The biography served as a rallying cry for Drell rights, and in the post-Reaper climate, aide was flowing more freely than in even the eldest Asari matriarch could recall before.

"I think the world is starting to see you as I do... did. Not that he glamorized what you did. But you should see him talking to the press. That firecracker was born for the spotlight, I'm telling you. A real ham for the cameras; he's using it towards a good cause, though. People are talking about your people's relationship with the Hanar – bringing things like the Compact to light. The Council is even funding research into a cure for Kepral's Syndrome. It's like the whole universe just had a near death experience; re-evaluating how they approach life, and the world." She sighed. "Why does change always take such awfulness to be birthed? But I guess it's like you said about your son; the most beautiful roses are born from the most fertilized dirt." She scrunched her nose up for moment. "I still don't like you comparing yourself to manure filled dirt, though."

Kolyat's book, which also mentioned Mordin's research, and the manic little Salarian found himself in the position to leave a lifesaving legacy when he died, which despite his "advanced " years, didn't seem like it would be too soon. The Council had agreed to fund efforts at curing the Drell lung disease, in addition to finding ways to limit damage in the meantime.

"The Council wants me to make me a diplomat to non-Citadel races. I'm not sure how I feel about that – being stuck behind a desk. I've got time to think about it, in any case, hopping from relay to relay drumming up relief credits for the rebuild from donors."

"I guess we both know I'm stalling at this point…" Shepard shut her eyes, leaving only the golden color of a sunset shining through her eyelids to see. "I kept my promise," she said in a low voice. The smell of soil and cactus blossom danced on the hot breeze that seemed to caress her skin, echoing a strange feeling of intimacy. Her head dropped, eyes still closed, with her chin coming to rest against her collarbone.

"It didn't go so well. Not at first, anyway. I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying you. It's stupid, I know. I realized, eventually, that the anger wasn't all about him. You know how they say that the things you hate most in another person are the ones that reflect your own faults? I realized that that was my problem. And that I wasn't letting you go, the same as Kaidan hadn't let me go when I died." She shook her head in a barely perceptible movement. "And I realized I wasn't keeping my promise to you; not the spirit of it. And that made me feel like I was betraying you even more."

Another hot breeze picked up for a moment and lit up cool streaks down her cheeks and Kara realized that they were tears. She wasn't crying, so much as releasing something. "I think everything is going to be just fine… better than fine."

She sat in silence for a while, listening to desert – so dead looking, yet so full of life, a smile creeping onto her face. "Happy birthday, Thane. I love you." She retrieved a metal placard from the knapsack behind her and retrieved a copper statue of a female Drell with six arms, each left hand holding a sword and arrow respectively, and in the right a massive shield. It stood up to about to her knees. The base had an engraved placard which simply read: _"Your Siha, Always."_ "I'll always be here with you," she said resolutely. She ran her fingers through the soil one last time before standing up, bowing her head, and finally turned away slowly.

As Kaidan watched Shepard, crouched some 20 yards away, he couldn't help but wish he could be there, beside her. But he knew this was one situation in which Kara didn't want anyone to lean on. It had taken him time, but eventually, he'd not only come to terms with her relationship with Thane. He was grateful for it. He's read Kolyat's retelling of his story, and realized that the assassin was far more than the deadly weapon he'd appeared to be on reconnaissance reports of Shepard's activities.

He'd been there for Kara when Kaidan himself couldn't have been, even if things had gone well on Horizon. He wouldn't have been able to simply pick up and sign on with Cerberus. He would never be sure just what things that had changed in Shepard were a result of her time with the Drell, and what was, well… everything else that had happened. But it didn't matter anymore.

What they had now wasn't quite the same as how they'd been she'd died, but then, it was something even deeper, he thought. The passion of battle, the excitement that brings people together, was long past, as it would have been eventually In any scenario. But instead, they'd worked on it, fought for the entity that was the bond between two people. They'd made the choice to build something together, a foundation for a lifetime together.

And they both knew how fleeting that time was, now. No, he wasn't angry or even jealous of Thane Krios anymore. He was thankful.

He saw Shepard rise to her feet, dusting her hands off on her BDUs, before turning around. He gave her a gentle smile, which she returned with a melancholy one, and he could see the tell-tale glint of unshed tears in her eyes. He extended a hand when she was within arm's reach, which she took before sidling up beside him to take in the lingering pink and orange hues that lit of a small patch of clouds on the horizon. When the sun finally disappeared behind a distant mountain he glanced down at Shepard, who returned his gaze. Kaidan let go of her hand to slide his arm up and around her shoulders.

Kara felt him give her shoulders a gentle squeeze before he finally spoke up, in a hushed tone."Can I ask you something?"

Shepard tilted her head just slightly. "Of course."

He glanced at the small bronze monument that she'd left at the hillcrest, then back at her. "Do you think he's offended that I didn't get him anything on his birthday, after he gave me the best a guy could ever receive?"

Shepard roller her eyes and gently hit him with the back of her hand. "_Brother…_that is _literally_ the cheesiest line I've ever heard. And I've heard quite a few."

"What?" Kaidan shot back with false offense. "It's true. He gave me you back. He gave us both a second chance. I wish I could give him something." He knew what it sounded like, but that didn't make it untrue.

"Well, see, there's where you're wrong."

"Oh?"

"You gave him his last wish." She smiled genuinely at Kaidan now. "And I intend to keep my side of that promise to the best of my ability." She snaked a hand to his face, thumb at his temple and fingers running through the soft hair just behind his ear, and pulled his head down, ever so slightly, her lips soon meeting his.

Shepard smiled into the kiss, as she realized, without articulating it, that the ghosts no longer haunted, replaced, instead, with the warm embrace the best of spirits.


End file.
